WEll now!!!!

Well now, I'm back...just like Jack & still trying to get my groove back like Stella....but sure that doesn't rhyme so Poo to that lol.
Been away for abit and just haven't had the energy to write least of all think, or Non-think.
well...just wanted to pop in and say that to myself and perhaps 2 other people that read this LMAO.
be back soon...lots to tell tho very fucking boring I'm sure it shall amuse none the less :-)
ni ni for now

Why

Why is it that when all seems lost and I'm so damn bloody miserable.....all Ican think of is you??? Like you're gonna be the damn shining knight in armour and come and rescue me. You couldn't do it then and I'm sure as hell that you can't do it now.

I don't need you...I never did......I just wish that I didn't want you still....so much.

No wonder I can't meet anyone properly, you're still there...dead but not gone.

Only the ones that hurt you can take the pain away right???

Just go away......leave me alone...get out of my head. I don't want to love you anymore.
I Don't want to miss you. I want a life...a real one.......I want someone that will give a shit about me...that won't screw around, that WILL give a fuck when I tell them I've miscarried not sit there saying nothing with their head in their hands. I DONT WANT TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

Meh.......

Today I'm feeling completely Blahhhhhh. No energy, no anything. Just wanna stay in bed and ignore the world. Been having a coule of crappy days with Mam and of course the fact that my gorgeous Garda is seeing Miss Plain Jane doesn't help my mood. I'm due to work tonight and am in no more the mood to do so than watching paint dry!!! But it's E80 which can't be sneezed at and I need every penny that I can get.

Feeling V and utterly alone. Thursday was wonderful as I was out with my Canadian friend whom is on hols here, then I worked Friday night which was great fun and I went out again (tho V late after mam went to bed) on Saturday and had fun....tho I really wasn't in the mood to go out. All it has emphasised is the fact that I have no life, and hjow lonely I am. It's never hard to meet people, but when you're mid thirties and single and don't know anyone to go out with nor able to get out that much it's near impossible. Even the odd occasion I have gone out, I'm terrified that I'll come home and mam will have burnt down the house or something will have happened to her and I wasn't there to look after her.

I've got to the stage that I'm just so worn out by it all that I'm not even bothering to try and do anything about the situation anymore. I can barely muster up the energy to keep on cooking, cleaning and all the hundred and one other things that I have to do. I just hate it.

I guess I'm just having a couple of really down days, I'll bounce back no doubt.
I'm just so so so tired of it all and feel so alone!

Devastated

Well....and so the story ends as Damian Rice would say. I feel broken hearted, dunno why I should really, He was never mine.
His girlfreiend came in tonight and was stuck to him like a leper with a bad smell!! She's cute, but not all that much really, kinda plain and didn't seem as tho she had that much of a personality! At least it looked that way as the girl hardly ever smiled!!!! BUT, as I said, she's kinda cute in a plain boring way. She does have a nice body I'll give her that much. So my Mr. DJ was very well behaved.......at least he didn't carry on the way he normally does....but still kept catching him looking at me :-D Could you blame him???

I KNOW he has a GF, hasn't stopped anything before but DON'T bloody bring her in....I like it the way it is when we're working .
I don't know how I feel....such a great overwhelming sadness has enveloped me...it shouldn't, I knew how things were.......I guess I just wanted to believe in a possibility...If I don't see I don't know. She definitely knew something was up..... a woman always does. He couldn't even say goodnight..she was just there all the time watching him pack up. If I meant nothing to him at all, he woulda said night like he normally does and have a chat right????

Anyway.......so it is. If anything is meant to happen it will. IF not...then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Smiling

Well, life is still shite with Marie, she's had a bad couple of days which in turn means that so have I. Strange that isn't it??!!!
In eider geval, I've missed the gym for 2 days and fell poopy for it, BUT I did go down to the golf range with my mate Darragh this evening. He's been trying to gt me to go down with him for almost a year now and for one reason or another I just haven't managed it. I can be so lazy at times. Anyway, I thought, if I don't leave the house I will kill my mother so I called Darragh to say"right, range this evening....do or die" nad off I went. Good Lord and all the holy saints above I was DREADFUL!!! I mean really bad...worse so than my very first lesson 3 years ago. I think the balls were fixed and made of feathery light material so they didn't travel far......that is of course when I managed to get my club to connect with the damn ball!!!! It was good fun tho and I'm glad I went. I shall be making a concerted effort to get to the range more often now.

After, we went for something to eat and I filled him in on all the goosy jossip of my lust for my lil ole Garda DJ. It turns out that his best mate is the sister of My Boss in the Garda club!!!! small small world eh hahahahaha. Anyway, he found MUCH amusement in the fact that I had turned into a love sick teenager who couldn't utter a single coherent intelligible sentence around aforementioned love interest. I on the other hand, don't find it so amusing. Having said that, I do find it very interesting that I'm liket his about this guy. I'm sure that nothing will come of it and I shall find something new to focus my attentions on, but 4 months is a long long time for me to like someone.

My friend Sandra is coming over from Canada as I write, she'll be landing in the morning and I'm going to hook up with her tomoro night :-D I can't wait as I haven't seen her for about 6 years.....maybe more!!!! Then it's friday and I'm busy all day and THEn, it'll be time to go to work and see my man :-D ;-D :-D I still haven't decided what to wear, like he cares LOL well...maybe he does. I just have to think I'm the Nike kid and just do it.

I do like him so.

Miserable

today has been shite, that's an understatement really. It's the first time in months that I've felt truely alone, miserable, depressed, sad, pathetic and maybe a little under appreciated. Ok. ALOT under appreciated.

Can't take all this shite with ma, can't take the fact that I have no life, can't take the fact that my so called family don't give a shit apart from the will and the money, can't stand the fact that I want to leave but can't cos I worry bout who will make sure mam takes her meds, who will pay the bills, who will make sure the dfoor is locked at night, who will look after the garbage, who will make sure that she eats every day, who will really care?????? God, who ever it might be, gave me this masive heart and all it does is get me fucked over and hurt. WHY do I have it??? Why can't I go back to being the wonderful bitch that I was ???? why do I care now after years of abuse why should I care? Im so tired of it all.

I'm having such a down day and there's no one I can talk to...no one I can just say I need you, please come...how fcjking sad is that he?

and of course I'm pining after someone that doesnt give a fuck about me anymore...I'm crazy about someone that is prolly in a realtionship with someone else and I liev in a country that I have no friends in anymore!!!!

and I ask myself...WHY am I still here? WHY am I STILL trying to live????
.....cos someone needs me even tho they don't realise it and I get nothing from it, only the knowledge that they're not in a home and are leading a normal life and are happy even tho I'm not.

I don't have the courage anymore...and I made a promise to myself the last time....never again...and I NEVER break a promise.

I guess I'm just not worth it really, maybe I just don't deserve anything more than what I have? who knows. I know what I know and what I believe....so why is life arguing with me????

I'm just weak I guess..................Imiss my balls........I miss having them so much.

Health kick

Well, it's been 3 days now that I've gone tothe gym!!! I have to say that I'm very impressed with myself. I joined in the beginning of April and only went ONCE!!!!!! The whole point of joining was so that I could get away from Marie every day for an hour or so and release some tension. Well, now that I've started, I'm well into it. I really didn't want to go today as I felt a little bit achey, but I thought NO, a nice gentle swim will ease my muscles and I'm still working on my stamina :-D It's also serving the purpose that it's starting to actually help me sleep!!! After nearly 2 years of insomnia it is a much welcome relief I can tell you.

Mam is doing ok, she started the stronger dose of meds last night, so we shall wait for more improvement. She's still a bit odd and re-arranging everything and changing her mind every other minute but sure what to do about that eh???

Woke up to beautiful beautiful dreams about my DJ...I Soooooooooooooooooo have to do something about that or I'll go mad. He's not on for another 2 weeks so the countdown has begun......10 more days to go. I'm hoping that he will come in on Monday night for a drink in passing, but I dunno, he's only done that once and I just spent the night trying NOT to stare at him like an escaped lunatic viewing a man for the first time!!! I have a feeling that he might come in, dunno why, I just do, but I won't get my hopes up, I so hate to be disappointed!!!! I have even decided on my "outfit" just in case he calls in as I have to be looking utterly fantastic at all times.....the poor man will learn I ordinarily look dreadful in his own good time. For now let him think I'm always fabulous darling he he he

I'm completely wrecked but in a nice way. Have to go and make mams dinner now and tomoro I ahve to go into town but I WON'T be bringing her with me!!! I've had enough of her loopy fits so I won't allow it to happen any more, better to be safe than sorry eh.