WEll now!!!!

Well now, I'm back...just like Jack & still trying to get my groove back like Stella....but sure that doesn't rhyme so Poo to that lol.
Been away for abit and just haven't had the energy to write least of all think, or Non-think.
well...just wanted to pop in and say that to myself and perhaps 2 other people that read this LMAO.
be back soon...lots to tell tho very fucking boring I'm sure it shall amuse none the less :-)
ni ni for now

Why

Why is it that when all seems lost and I'm so damn bloody miserable.....all Ican think of is you??? Like you're gonna be the damn shining knight in armour and come and rescue me. You couldn't do it then and I'm sure as hell that you can't do it now.

I don't need you...I never did......I just wish that I didn't want you still....so much.

No wonder I can't meet anyone properly, you're still there...dead but not gone.

Only the ones that hurt you can take the pain away right???

Just go away......leave me alone...get out of my head. I don't want to love you anymore.
I Don't want to miss you. I want a life...a real one.......I want someone that will give a shit about me...that won't screw around, that WILL give a fuck when I tell them I've miscarried not sit there saying nothing with their head in their hands. I DONT WANT TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

Meh.......

Today I'm feeling completely Blahhhhhh. No energy, no anything. Just wanna stay in bed and ignore the world. Been having a coule of crappy days with Mam and of course the fact that my gorgeous Garda is seeing Miss Plain Jane doesn't help my mood. I'm due to work tonight and am in no more the mood to do so than watching paint dry!!! But it's E80 which can't be sneezed at and I need every penny that I can get.

Feeling V and utterly alone. Thursday was wonderful as I was out with my Canadian friend whom is on hols here, then I worked Friday night which was great fun and I went out again (tho V late after mam went to bed) on Saturday and had fun....tho I really wasn't in the mood to go out. All it has emphasised is the fact that I have no life, and hjow lonely I am. It's never hard to meet people, but when you're mid thirties and single and don't know anyone to go out with nor able to get out that much it's near impossible. Even the odd occasion I have gone out, I'm terrified that I'll come home and mam will have burnt down the house or something will have happened to her and I wasn't there to look after her.

I've got to the stage that I'm just so worn out by it all that I'm not even bothering to try and do anything about the situation anymore. I can barely muster up the energy to keep on cooking, cleaning and all the hundred and one other things that I have to do. I just hate it.

I guess I'm just having a couple of really down days, I'll bounce back no doubt.
I'm just so so so tired of it all and feel so alone!

Devastated

Well....and so the story ends as Damian Rice would say. I feel broken hearted, dunno why I should really, He was never mine.
His girlfreiend came in tonight and was stuck to him like a leper with a bad smell!! She's cute, but not all that much really, kinda plain and didn't seem as tho she had that much of a personality! At least it looked that way as the girl hardly ever smiled!!!! BUT, as I said, she's kinda cute in a plain boring way. She does have a nice body I'll give her that much. So my Mr. DJ was very well behaved.......at least he didn't carry on the way he normally does....but still kept catching him looking at me :-D Could you blame him???

I KNOW he has a GF, hasn't stopped anything before but DON'T bloody bring her in....I like it the way it is when we're working .
I don't know how I feel....such a great overwhelming sadness has enveloped me...it shouldn't, I knew how things were.......I guess I just wanted to believe in a possibility...If I don't see I don't know. She definitely knew something was up..... a woman always does. He couldn't even say goodnight..she was just there all the time watching him pack up. If I meant nothing to him at all, he woulda said night like he normally does and have a chat right????

Anyway.......so it is. If anything is meant to happen it will. IF not...then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Smiling

Well, life is still shite with Marie, she's had a bad couple of days which in turn means that so have I. Strange that isn't it??!!!
In eider geval, I've missed the gym for 2 days and fell poopy for it, BUT I did go down to the golf range with my mate Darragh this evening. He's been trying to gt me to go down with him for almost a year now and for one reason or another I just haven't managed it. I can be so lazy at times. Anyway, I thought, if I don't leave the house I will kill my mother so I called Darragh to say"right, range this evening....do or die" nad off I went. Good Lord and all the holy saints above I was DREADFUL!!! I mean really bad...worse so than my very first lesson 3 years ago. I think the balls were fixed and made of feathery light material so they didn't travel far......that is of course when I managed to get my club to connect with the damn ball!!!! It was good fun tho and I'm glad I went. I shall be making a concerted effort to get to the range more often now.

After, we went for something to eat and I filled him in on all the goosy jossip of my lust for my lil ole Garda DJ. It turns out that his best mate is the sister of My Boss in the Garda club!!!! small small world eh hahahahaha. Anyway, he found MUCH amusement in the fact that I had turned into a love sick teenager who couldn't utter a single coherent intelligible sentence around aforementioned love interest. I on the other hand, don't find it so amusing. Having said that, I do find it very interesting that I'm liket his about this guy. I'm sure that nothing will come of it and I shall find something new to focus my attentions on, but 4 months is a long long time for me to like someone.

My friend Sandra is coming over from Canada as I write, she'll be landing in the morning and I'm going to hook up with her tomoro night :-D I can't wait as I haven't seen her for about 6 years.....maybe more!!!! Then it's friday and I'm busy all day and THEn, it'll be time to go to work and see my man :-D ;-D :-D I still haven't decided what to wear, like he cares LOL well...maybe he does. I just have to think I'm the Nike kid and just do it.

I do like him so.

Miserable

today has been shite, that's an understatement really. It's the first time in months that I've felt truely alone, miserable, depressed, sad, pathetic and maybe a little under appreciated. Ok. ALOT under appreciated.

Can't take all this shite with ma, can't take the fact that I have no life, can't take the fact that my so called family don't give a shit apart from the will and the money, can't stand the fact that I want to leave but can't cos I worry bout who will make sure mam takes her meds, who will pay the bills, who will make sure the dfoor is locked at night, who will look after the garbage, who will make sure that she eats every day, who will really care?????? God, who ever it might be, gave me this masive heart and all it does is get me fucked over and hurt. WHY do I have it??? Why can't I go back to being the wonderful bitch that I was ???? why do I care now after years of abuse why should I care? Im so tired of it all.

I'm having such a down day and there's no one I can talk to...no one I can just say I need you, please come...how fcjking sad is that he?

and of course I'm pining after someone that doesnt give a fuck about me anymore...I'm crazy about someone that is prolly in a realtionship with someone else and I liev in a country that I have no friends in anymore!!!!

and I ask myself...WHY am I still here? WHY am I STILL trying to live????
.....cos someone needs me even tho they don't realise it and I get nothing from it, only the knowledge that they're not in a home and are leading a normal life and are happy even tho I'm not.

I don't have the courage anymore...and I made a promise to myself the last time....never again...and I NEVER break a promise.

I guess I'm just not worth it really, maybe I just don't deserve anything more than what I have? who knows. I know what I know and what I believe....so why is life arguing with me????

I'm just weak I guess..................Imiss my balls........I miss having them so much.

Health kick

Well, it's been 3 days now that I've gone tothe gym!!! I have to say that I'm very impressed with myself. I joined in the beginning of April and only went ONCE!!!!!! The whole point of joining was so that I could get away from Marie every day for an hour or so and release some tension. Well, now that I've started, I'm well into it. I really didn't want to go today as I felt a little bit achey, but I thought NO, a nice gentle swim will ease my muscles and I'm still working on my stamina :-D It's also serving the purpose that it's starting to actually help me sleep!!! After nearly 2 years of insomnia it is a much welcome relief I can tell you.

Mam is doing ok, she started the stronger dose of meds last night, so we shall wait for more improvement. She's still a bit odd and re-arranging everything and changing her mind every other minute but sure what to do about that eh???

Woke up to beautiful beautiful dreams about my DJ...I Soooooooooooooooooo have to do something about that or I'll go mad. He's not on for another 2 weeks so the countdown has begun......10 more days to go. I'm hoping that he will come in on Monday night for a drink in passing, but I dunno, he's only done that once and I just spent the night trying NOT to stare at him like an escaped lunatic viewing a man for the first time!!! I have a feeling that he might come in, dunno why, I just do, but I won't get my hopes up, I so hate to be disappointed!!!! I have even decided on my "outfit" just in case he calls in as I have to be looking utterly fantastic at all times.....the poor man will learn I ordinarily look dreadful in his own good time. For now let him think I'm always fabulous darling he he he

I'm completely wrecked but in a nice way. Have to go and make mams dinner now and tomoro I ahve to go into town but I WON'T be bringing her with me!!! I've had enough of her loopy fits so I won't allow it to happen any more, better to be safe than sorry eh.

Kiss & Tell

Well, so far so good. It's been a great week with mam, she's in good form and shes definitely putting weight on. You can start to see it in her face. Good thing too as she looks like a damn Auchwitz victim she's so thin!!

I was working at the club as usual last night and my DJ was on again.......god I have it bad. It's weird sometimes I think that he just doesn't like me (as a person) then he's flirty and I'll catch him looking at me. Last night was odd, I wasn't in great form to start with so I wasn't really talkative. He obviously noticed, but for some reason I went out of my way not to talk to him...almost ignore him when I was talking to everyone else. Perhaps a subconcious action to see whether it bothered him or not? Well, he asked me a couple of times what was wrong and I didn't answer, then he says...."you just gonna be grumpy tonight?". I just blanked him. Rather rude I know. I think I was also in a mind that I felt as tho I would blurt out my undying love for him or something horrendous like that, so I said nothing at all. My mate Roisin, another Guard, was also working, so I told her to get me in good form and sure enough after half hour I was grand.

A wee while after that, he put on one of my favourite songs, it ALWAYS makes me jump around behind the bar. Anyway, I start hopping around and see him with this massive grin on his face watching me. It kinda said "I made her do that, I made her happy". Later on we were asking Mark not to play a certain song as it was shite. I said Mark babe, you and me, we KNOW it's a shite song, you're just in denial. Well....the look he gave me could have turned you to ice. You would have thought that I said I was going to kill him or something!!!! I wasn't rude, didn't say anything strange and I get this weird look??!!! So, I thought to myself, feck ya then and the horse ya rode in on and went back to ignoring him as that small thing had pissed me off. Rather childish I know but the man has my head wrecked, I don't know whehter I love him or hate him!!!!! We did last orders and started clearing up. He made a point (or so it seemed) to be standing just enough far back that I couldn't walk past him to get out from behind the bar, when usually he sees me coming and moves out of the way. So I just stood there, said nothing and waited for him to move. He says, oh sorry and moves out of the way to let me past, I go stomping off to collect glasses not even looking at him nad cursing his sexy ass. He packed up all his gear and pretty much disappeared. I went behind the bar, saw all his stuff was gone, looked up to see if he was there and he wasn't. My heart dropped! I thought BUGGER, you silly cow Lobster, you're not gonna see him for another 2 weeks now and it feels like we left on bad terms. 5 minutes later he walks back in, I see him, feel this huge sense of relief (I don't know why either) and he looks at me and just looks away again without smiling or anything, then leaves....doesn't say goodbye, see you in a couple of weeks.....Nothing!!!!!

Now I'm angry again......god I'm like a rollercoaster up and down in my moods!!!!! and the worst of it is, is that I STILL don't know for sure if he's seeing someone! What kinda dozy kipper am I eh? Why didn't I just call out to hima nd say seya next time or something???

One of the doormen, another Guard gave me a lift home. I get along really well with him and he is quite fanciable. Anyway............I ended up kissing him!! Tut tut. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to and I do like him, but I feel kinda sluttish. I'm not seeing anyone else and there's nothing to say I can't kiss people, but if I'm so loved up with Mark, then why the hell am I kissing someone else???? I'm obviously a rampant slut LMAO. Thing is, he wants to see me again, outside of work and a day later, although it was a good idea at the time, I'm thinking, but I don't......I just want my DJ :-( Lord almighty, what a mess I make eh?!!

I did find out what Guarda station my Dj works in tho...not that that helps much, but sure ya never know. I could just "happen" to be walking past as he's coming out. LOL. God now I'm a rampant slutty stalker ha ha.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the next 2 weeks fly by. Behold my heart, transfixed upon the huddles spears.

SMITTEN

God , I want him so bad now, dunno what it is. Just saw him when I walked down the stairs and that was it,
smitten kitten!!! I know he's going out with someone so I would never do anything, I know how it feels to find out your partner has been an unfaithful B*****d and it hurts so bad, so I won't.

But the damn man is flirting with me so what can I do but flirt back????? Can't stop thinking about the damn man. WHAT the hell is wrong with me??? I never fancy anyone when I find out they're taken already....it's like they die as far as I'm concerned...or at least stop existing in my life!! So why the hell am I still thinking about him????? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,bet he tastes too sweet as well :-D

Going to take Mam out for her birthday dinner now, she's really excited, so I'm happy. had to text my brother a few times tro TELL him to call mam to say happy birthday. Pisses me off.

Mmmmmmmmm, Mr. DJ......come play my tune :-D

I hate this life

Having a really really shitty day today. I've just had enough.
I'm sick of looking after Marie, I'm sick of pretending crap, I'm sick of having to be here all the time to make sure she takes her fucking pills, she pays her bills, she fucking breathes.
I AM SICK OF HER

Now that I finally ahve my bolt hole I am realising just how much I have no life and how much I need one.
I brought her into town today and the usual happened, she gets tired starts getting pissed off and has a go at me. I am NEVER going into town with her again unless there is another person with us. I just won't do it anymore. Well I blew it when we got back, I just looked at her and said "I've had enough of you, you're on your bloody OWN now, I'm SICK of looking out for you" and walked out and to my little studio. 1 hour later, who's knocking on my fucking door???? yup, Marie. So I let her in, make a cup of tea and she starts telling me about this other girl that was just in the house, but nothing about an argument or anything and she's delighted to see me and did I want to come up to the hosue for a glass of wine??...and sure I may as well stay the night too??!!

Today she tried to tell me that she took her pill....AGAIN.....swore to me blind she took it....except she can't as I have them in my room. She refused to take it as she already had so I had to resort to putting it in her food!!! I am fucking sick sick sick of it.

My brother hasn't called for god knows how long, I ve been callinghim, mailing him and texting him to call mam and have a chat to her just to say Hi. I've asked him over and over again to tell me when he's coming over or when can I send mam over to him and NOTHING from him. So what if he has a family to look after? Did I not have a life and a guaranteed full time job in Holland??? Have a house and all sorted??? So what's the difference eh? I know one thing for sure ....if the positions were changed over, there is NO WAY IN HELL he would be doing what I am....and that fucks me off. D'ont TELL me I'm doing a great job and that you appreciate it, fucking show me too. She's YOUR bloody Mother as well. You think you had it hard for 2 days when yoiu were over???? You dont know ANYTHING!!!! An yet you come over here and go leave notes and messages for the man in the rental property with YOUR name & NUMBER??? YOUR IN FUCING ENGLAND, does it STILL not enter your mind to leave my number? WHAT are you doing? NOTHING, I pay the bills, I make sure the meds are taken, I clean, I COOK , I tidy, arrange doctors appointments, I take her to them, I make sure that bank are looked after, I make sure the car is serviced, I make sure there are groceries in the house, I DO FUCKING EVERYTHING
and you can't even pick up the damn phone????

Go to hell, the lot of ya, have the money, the houses, have fucking everything including your lives, cos I want none of it.
I AM SICK of listening to her fecking drivel day after day after fecking day, the same shit OVER and OVER again. 10 minutes after saying something she says it again like it's a brand new revelation..........and its the same thing EVERY FUCKING DAY, the same words and the same comments, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!
I must be a fecking saint to have hung inthis long and no money, no thanks no anything??!!!

Every day, I re organise the cupboards, every day I spend an hour or more looking for her fecking handbag, EVERY DAY, I have to sit and listen to her shit. Every day, I find my things in different rooms or moved around. Every day I have to take all the rubbish out of the stinking fecking bins and re organise it into Re-cycling, glass, compost and general rubbish.

EVERY FUCKING DAY.

I'm suposed to be going on retreat on 15th May down in Den Bosch, for peace of mind and to find some tranquility. and yet, I haven't heard from Andy yet that he's coming over!!! I TOLD him over a month ago that I was going and he HAD to be here. Am I just so fucking dum and naieve that I just put up with this shit??? I CAN'T.

Bloody stupid Ex

Just had a conversation with my ex (not the ex im still in love with) but the new one, my first foray into dating again and I'm so bloody angry.
No. 1 I shouldn't have started off with another Dutch man after leaving one.
No. 2 I should bloody have known better.

What an arrogant asshole. We all have opinions sure, they're good to have, but if you tell me something is fantastic and I don't agree, I'll say so. Why then Does the fucker keep telling me I'm wrong??? How the F does he know, he's not in my brain. All he does is state what HE thinks, what HE knows, BOLLIX BOLLIX BOLLIX

I dont give a damn what you think or ur opinion, THATS WHY I DUMPED YOU.
Piss off and leave me the fuck alone!!!

(going to meditate now for so much anger and swearing)

Another rainy day

Well,, it's raining again today but I'm feeling incredibly bright.

I got an invite from a friend of mine to join a new forum and so have found a new place to chat with like minded people. I used to belong to a depression website that I got so much love and support from and met the most wonderful people on. It kept me going for a long time and stopped me on many occasion from ending it all in a world I felt was useless and didn't need me. Thankfully, I'm still here because of so many people on that site. These days, the site is extremely busy and has far too much of an almost communist dictatorship to it where everything is watched, edited or deleted, including members. It's a great thing that so many people have found it but it lost it's friendliness to me. Now, I've got this new place to go to and chat :-D Thank you ((((((Nouse)))))

I have to say that I'm not as depressed as I once was, but this takes alot of effort and I try each day to go easy on myself. I still have some extremely low days but for the most part since I have re-started meditating and getting back into my rituals life is so much better for me. Also, I don't really have the time to be too depressed as I have to care for Mother and I'm no use to her when I can't even help myself. I think that depression will always be a part of my life, but now I know how to handle it better. I know now to stay away from certain people and things that influence my life and my spirit badly. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than have numerous friends or a boyfriend just for the wrong ones. Amazingly I am blessed with so many special people in my life

GreaT DAY

Well..................it's been a great day.................mam is in good form still........I'm the same person AGAIN today, we've had good craic and a few laughs. It's been good.

Been thinking about Mark all day and I'm thinking to myself, damn, why didn't I just find out for myself whether he was single or not, instead of relying on somebody else. I can't get the fecker out of my head!!!! I wish that I could say it's all lustful thoughts and dirty imaginings of what could be or not but un-fortunately it's more along the lines of him just saying " no Lobster, I AM single and all urs if you want", or something along those romanticised child like ideas.

I got the keys for my little studio today and after going shopping for a hundres and one cleaning products (I'm a bit Monica-ish), I came back and brought Mam down to show her. It's about a 5 minute walk from our (mams) house and strangely enough, is only 2 or 3 doors down from her old Aunt Lallys house (RIP) so hopefully she will remember where I am. Having said that I'm still going to be here all the time, but I was genuinely soooooooo excited to be putting some of my things in there to make it my own. It's like a secret little hide-away He He He. But now, more than anything else, I ahve somewhere to call my own and go to for an hour or so when things get tough :-D

I made a decision today........even tho I MAY be an Eejit for it......but I decided that I'm definitely going into work on friday (I'm not working) and scoping Mark out and finding out for myself if he is or isn't available. There's nothing worse than living in the what if's or what could have been'. I nearly died last year, through health reasons and also self infliction and the one thing I have learnt is that we all have such a short space of time here and so many things happen each and every day that we really shouldn't waste any time that we do have on mulling over things or being self defeatist or lethargic. Sure; it's bloody hard to pull your finger out and DO something or SAY something. But think about it. Just for one second. All the things going round and round in our heads that could just be done away with if only we had the courage and the self-belief to just go for it and do it. I always say "be the Nike kid"....just DO IT!!! Well since I have been blessed and graced with the luck that I'm bloody useless at trying to top myself and given yet another chance at life, I'm trying (believe me...really I am) to just take the bull by the horns and ride it. Cos you know what I say??? If you don't ask you don't know and even if it's not the answer that you may want to hear....at least it's an answer and you can move on and up. No matter how much it hurts, the truth is always better and it shall set you free....or some such bollox LMAO

I'm a happy camper today. I have my own home, I have money coming in and can pay my bills, I've got bread and butter on the table, I have people that love me and I love back, mam seems to be stable and more than anything happy each day and I also have the knowledge that one day....maybe......just maybe.....I might find someone as mad ass crazy as me and honest, that has integrity, that will say, " Lobster UR the one for me".

In the meantime there is Mark and the possibilty of maybe????!!

Confused but happy

Well, I'm just back in from work and what a GREAT night it was. A fantastic night in fact :-D

Super super busy and lots of totty to look at, tho how I managed to find the time I'll never know and truth be told I'm sure that there were quite a few that I missed as I was so busy!!! Damn and blast! Though saying this is funny as right now there is really only one person (ok....2) that I'm interested in. Our DJ!!!!!! Ya, ya, I know, never go with a DJ, a bouncer or a barman. The fact that he's a guard, shouldn't really make a difference at all....but it does. He only works every other 2 weeks so I haven't seen him for 2 weeks on my usual Monday nights and I've just been thinking about him constantly. I was sooooooo looking forward to seeing him and had actually plucked up the nerve to ask him out tonight!!!!

Well.......turns out that he's in a "long term relationship", or at least that's what my boss told me. It didn't surprise me at all, someone like that couldn't possibly be single. It's not like he's George Cloony, but he is damn attractive. What makes him so, is not the way that he looks (tho it helps and being 6'3'' is perfection for me-I hate short men) but more so his manner. He's one of these people that watch first and then come to a decision or judgement as such about somebody. I've been working with him for months now and we only started chatting recently.........then again....I am fecking nuts so that MIGHT have something to do with it :-D

Anyhoooooo, I actually made an effort tonight and dressed real nice and did my super sexy make-up, all in preparation of asking the man out. He noticed alright, he couldn't really help not.....I'm a jeans and T gal, and tonight was skirt, kinky boots and a tight top...plus of course the fabulous make-up darling !!! LMAO Sexy not slutty was the overall effect. I walked in...took my coat off....went to serve a customer, saw him looking out the corner of my eye and caught him at it. This just carried on for the whole night, I'd catch him looking and he'd hold my look for a second then look away....under the pretense of doing DJ like things LOL When he caught me looking at him, I was just blatent and stared back with a wanton gleam in my eye. In my imagination or otherwise, there was definitely flirting going on.....at the end of the night, he normally just buggers off home.....tonight he stayed on...had a coffee......chatted with the regulars that we give after hour drinks to....SO not his style at all. When he was leaving, he says to us all...."night all...(looks at me) see you on friday night" Well.......to say I flip-flopped is an understatement! You know how it is when you like someone, you try and act all nonchalant, super cool and couldn't care less, the the person says or does something and you turn into a 12 year old with a crush????? Ja...that was me.

What I'm not sure of is......if he is seeing someone....then he shouldn't be flirting so....and if he, is then that's the kind of man i DON'T want to be with, also, my boss, whom I had asked to find out for me if he was single or not, kinda wouldn't mind rolling me round the hay barn himself!!! So I dunno. I was talking to my mate Ritchie and he asked me what was wrong so I said, "Well....I decided this week that I was gonna take the bull by the horns and do something....and now I can't cos there's no point". He said to me "Lobster, no-one knows what someone's answer will be until you ask". Now...... I wasn't going to tell him what I was going to ask, nor whom I was lusting after, but I think that he got the general point. It was fairly obvious after tonight that I really like the guy and he, as I said never EVER hangs around after work. He's normally well gone before even half the glasses have been washed or the punters have left......So I have to wonder.

Perhaps I should just ask him outright and feck the answer.......I mean I can only take my bosses word for it that he's not single. I don't know that for a fact right? And if I ask him out and he says no cos he's seeing someone? Well, at least I'll really know then....and in true Lobster style I shall wink cheekily at the sexy fecker and say.....If you don't ask, you don't get.....and walk away nonchalantly.....LMAO.

There's just something about him, it's his demeanor...the fact that he doesn't say all that much, the simple fact that he hasn't tried to ride me as most men do......just makes me want to really get to know him more. There's something I'm really drawn to about him, I don't know what it is. Anyone that can make me stop thinking about Daan must be special right? God, I'm such a fuck wit sometimes. I've been mulling this over for months now and just can't get this silly man out of my head! Even when I had started dating someone back in February, I was thinking about him and whether or not I should ask him out and even was dreaming about him....I still am!!!! That guy I was seeing has long been since dumped....Good lord...what an absolute BORE......one of those know it alls...you could be a brain surgeon and he would tell you that you're not doing it right, he has an opinion on EVERYTHING!!!!!!! I think I did pretty well to have hung in for 6 weeks with him...never mind the bad Noodles and other things!! Bad bad Lobster....one should never speak ill of the.........

Well, I shall go to my bed and no doubt think about the lovely Mark. YUM YUM YUM.
Fingers crossed he IS single and my boss was just trying to deter me!

My own home :-)

Not a bad day today, barring the weather of course.
I paid the remainder of my deposit on my new studio today. I'm quite excited and will be signing my lease tomorrow and gtting the keys.
I will still be living with mam, but it's more tso that I have a bolt hole to go to and somewhere to stay a couple of nights each week just to get away and have some breathing space.

It's just a wee one room place with a separate bathroom, but it's spacious enough and has a large separate bathroom. More to the point it's somewhere that I can put all my things. I woke up this morning and opened my curtains only to see my clothes hung over the tree in the back garden!!!! Marie had decided that as she didn't know who they belonged to she would hang them in the garden!!!!! I have a bloody sign on the wardrobe saying "Lobsters clothes" do not remove and yet tinkerbell decides that they're not mine!!!! Good God almighty, is nothing safe????

Anyway, I'm a happy camper today and will be more so when I get my keys tomorrow. I'm off to get ready for work and chat up some yummy policemen Hee hee hee.

Daniel

Daniel, when I first saw you
I knew that you had a flame in your heart
And under under wild blue skies
Marble movie skies
I found a home in your eyes
We'll never be apart

And when the fires came
The smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed
And in the cold and blue car
You took me to the darkest place you knew
And set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

But in a goodbye bed
With my arms around your neck
Into our mouths the tears crept
Just kids in the eye of the storm
And as my head spun round
My dreams pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the flame
For home again
For home again

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

And so.

Running deep within this spread, I lay within so close and still.
My heart, beating still without ripples on the softest pond as downy dew seems so sweet;
So I, remain un touched and further still, mountains climb before my quaking soul
beneath my feet , the blades tear my pain bleeding softly into nothing.

Has ever a word spoken softly meant so little than I remain un-seen.
Un heard.
A whisper amongst the branches of right and wrong, boughs breaking to remain strong within the wind that burns me still.
and yet

I remain.

Goldfish

I've been sitting here for an hour writing todays post and getting no-where 'cos it's so all over the place it resembles the spaghetti junction and is barely making sense to even me and I supposedly know what I'm talking about as its me!!!! So I shall leave what I've written until tomoro when perhaps (large perhaps) I shall be more focused.

Today tho I bought 2 goldfish!!! I had 3 last year, aptly named Breakfast, lunch and dinner and the poor bastards died. I never quite managed to find out why but I fear the vision of Badger learing in on them everyday had something to do with it!!! Anyway, I named these 2 Marie & Eugene. Marie after my mother....it sounds terrible but I'm sure that she will think it's rather cute and Eugene after my driving instructor whom was less than the full picnic today due to an all night poker game and a 3 hour drive back from Galway with no sleep only to teach poor feckers like me!!!

Badger was delighted with herself as soon as she saw me taking the fish tank down from the cupboard and proceeded to purr like a steam engine running on honey while winding herself around my legs. Now.......while I went to fill the tank and treat the water, Marie and Eugene sat in their little plastic bubble hapily waiting. This bubble, I have to say was sitting in a brown paper bag and they couldn't even see daylight yet. Do you think that Badger didn't realise that something (namely dinner) was in the room somewhere???? Not a chance!!! I came back in to find the poor lil things terrified and gasping for breath after Badger had tried to eat them though the Brown paperbag and the plastic bag, piercing it and therefore draining their life supply. Her face when I walked in...I swear it was the funniest thing....One paw caught in the plastic and the other hopping to try and get away, looking at me saying "Meow meow...MMeeeeowwww meeewwwwwww in other words..... "mummy I SWEAR I didn't touch them I just tripped and my paw caught".

I am happy to say that they are both ok and ensconced in their new watery home and Badger is watching them from my bed with one eye and the other on me to see if IM watching her watching them. LOL

Ahhhhhhhh, the simple things in life eh...they do make me smile :-D

un-plugged

Today's been a rather eventful day....not for reasons of madness and mayhem...more so in the emotional sense and nor is that in the over oestrogenised (?) Im gonna decapitate someone sense........more so of the spiritual sense.

I always think that as humans we feel that we need to have a reason for feeling a certain way it's not "normal" to just feel so. Im sad because........I'm happy because......Im angry beacause........sometimes we just feel something for absolutely no reason what so ever and there's no explanation for it. Believe me I know what I'm talking about having suferred major depression and being suicidal for too long a period of time I can confirm that there can be reasons and also that sometimes there really is no explanation for something.

Today was like that, I woke up late at 11.30am (ok...I couldn't sleep till after 7am) and after having a good hearty breakfast of bacon & eggs & sausage & beans & liver & kidney & cornbread with a nice cup of freshly ground java coffee (beans rolled on the thighs of tibetan virgins) , I burst out into the world ready to go.

Hmmmmm, something smells funny about that....?????!!!!!!!! Ahhhhh yes I know.....bollix....before I even managed to drag my sorry ass outa d bed...the arm reached for a marlboro and the lungs sucked heartily on all the delicious nicotine and pollutants like an organ grinders monkey begging for pennies before even an eyelid had opened.......THEN I feebly managed to make a cuppa tea before going back to bed again.

Fuck I've no idea where I'm going with this. My head is everywhere and I'm talking drivle.......but I started this blog for a reason and that was to get shit off my chest and only 1 person reads it anyway and they're biased (kinda) so it doesn't matter what crap I write really.

Hmmmmm....oh yes........after waking up my lungs the body followed.....I had another "lesson" with my driving instructor. Now, I've been driving since the age of 12 when I learnt to drive on a tractor but having been outa the saddle for a bit I had decided to get a couple of lessons to get me used to it again before destoying Mothers car. Now I think I'm deliberately driving badly

Sleepy day

Well, I'm wrecked....too tired to bloody write, but write I shall.

I woke up at about 10am and promtly turned over and went back to sleep, tho Badger wasn't too happy I rolled over onto her and emitted and loud MEEEEOOOOOOWWWW OFF, 5 seconds later I was back in the land of Nod. I eventually surfaced at around Midday and mam hadn't called in once and just left me to my sleep! How wonderful.

The sun was shining, birds were singing, the bees were buzzing and Mam was in great form. We have spent the day in the garden weeding and clearing up and it has been rather fabulous I have to say. I made dinner and we had a nice glass of wine in the conservatory then moved inside about 7pm or so for some TV before mam went off to bed at 9pm.

An extremely boring day.........may there be many more like this. I do have other news but I'm a tad tired and shall update tomoro me thinks, right now I need to get this wonderful advertisement for cellulite to bed :-D

Viva Aricept!!!!!