Why

Why is it that when all seems lost and I'm so damn bloody miserable.....all Ican think of is you??? Like you're gonna be the damn shining knight in armour and come and rescue me. You couldn't do it then and I'm sure as hell that you can't do it now.

I don't need you...I never did......I just wish that I didn't want you still....so much.

No wonder I can't meet anyone properly, you're still there...dead but not gone.

Only the ones that hurt you can take the pain away right???

Just go away......leave me alone...get out of my head. I don't want to love you anymore.
I Don't want to miss you. I want a life...a real one.......I want someone that will give a shit about me...that won't screw around, that WILL give a fuck when I tell them I've miscarried not sit there saying nothing with their head in their hands. I DONT WANT TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

Meh.......

Today I'm feeling completely Blahhhhhh. No energy, no anything. Just wanna stay in bed and ignore the world. Been having a coule of crappy days with Mam and of course the fact that my gorgeous Garda is seeing Miss Plain Jane doesn't help my mood. I'm due to work tonight and am in no more the mood to do so than watching paint dry!!! But it's E80 which can't be sneezed at and I need every penny that I can get.

Feeling V and utterly alone. Thursday was wonderful as I was out with my Canadian friend whom is on hols here, then I worked Friday night which was great fun and I went out again (tho V late after mam went to bed) on Saturday and had fun....tho I really wasn't in the mood to go out. All it has emphasised is the fact that I have no life, and hjow lonely I am. It's never hard to meet people, but when you're mid thirties and single and don't know anyone to go out with nor able to get out that much it's near impossible. Even the odd occasion I have gone out, I'm terrified that I'll come home and mam will have burnt down the house or something will have happened to her and I wasn't there to look after her.

I've got to the stage that I'm just so worn out by it all that I'm not even bothering to try and do anything about the situation anymore. I can barely muster up the energy to keep on cooking, cleaning and all the hundred and one other things that I have to do. I just hate it.

I guess I'm just having a couple of really down days, I'll bounce back no doubt.
I'm just so so so tired of it all and feel so alone!

Devastated

Well....and so the story ends as Damian Rice would say. I feel broken hearted, dunno why I should really, He was never mine.
His girlfreiend came in tonight and was stuck to him like a leper with a bad smell!! She's cute, but not all that much really, kinda plain and didn't seem as tho she had that much of a personality! At least it looked that way as the girl hardly ever smiled!!!! BUT, as I said, she's kinda cute in a plain boring way. She does have a nice body I'll give her that much. So my Mr. DJ was very well behaved.......at least he didn't carry on the way he normally does....but still kept catching him looking at me :-D Could you blame him???

I KNOW he has a GF, hasn't stopped anything before but DON'T bloody bring her in....I like it the way it is when we're working .
I don't know how I feel....such a great overwhelming sadness has enveloped me...it shouldn't, I knew how things were.......I guess I just wanted to believe in a possibility...If I don't see I don't know. She definitely knew something was up..... a woman always does. He couldn't even say goodnight..she was just there all the time watching him pack up. If I meant nothing to him at all, he woulda said night like he normally does and have a chat right????

Anyway.......so it is. If anything is meant to happen it will. IF not...then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Smiling

Well, life is still shite with Marie, she's had a bad couple of days which in turn means that so have I. Strange that isn't it??!!!
In eider geval, I've missed the gym for 2 days and fell poopy for it, BUT I did go down to the golf range with my mate Darragh this evening. He's been trying to gt me to go down with him for almost a year now and for one reason or another I just haven't managed it. I can be so lazy at times. Anyway, I thought, if I don't leave the house I will kill my mother so I called Darragh to say"right, range this evening....do or die" nad off I went. Good Lord and all the holy saints above I was DREADFUL!!! I mean really bad...worse so than my very first lesson 3 years ago. I think the balls were fixed and made of feathery light material so they didn't travel far......that is of course when I managed to get my club to connect with the damn ball!!!! It was good fun tho and I'm glad I went. I shall be making a concerted effort to get to the range more often now.

After, we went for something to eat and I filled him in on all the goosy jossip of my lust for my lil ole Garda DJ. It turns out that his best mate is the sister of My Boss in the Garda club!!!! small small world eh hahahahaha. Anyway, he found MUCH amusement in the fact that I had turned into a love sick teenager who couldn't utter a single coherent intelligible sentence around aforementioned love interest. I on the other hand, don't find it so amusing. Having said that, I do find it very interesting that I'm liket his about this guy. I'm sure that nothing will come of it and I shall find something new to focus my attentions on, but 4 months is a long long time for me to like someone.

My friend Sandra is coming over from Canada as I write, she'll be landing in the morning and I'm going to hook up with her tomoro night :-D I can't wait as I haven't seen her for about 6 years.....maybe more!!!! Then it's friday and I'm busy all day and THEn, it'll be time to go to work and see my man :-D ;-D :-D I still haven't decided what to wear, like he cares LOL well...maybe he does. I just have to think I'm the Nike kid and just do it.

I do like him so.

Miserable

today has been shite, that's an understatement really. It's the first time in months that I've felt truely alone, miserable, depressed, sad, pathetic and maybe a little under appreciated. Ok. ALOT under appreciated.

Can't take all this shite with ma, can't take the fact that I have no life, can't take the fact that my so called family don't give a shit apart from the will and the money, can't stand the fact that I want to leave but can't cos I worry bout who will make sure mam takes her meds, who will pay the bills, who will make sure the dfoor is locked at night, who will look after the garbage, who will make sure that she eats every day, who will really care?????? God, who ever it might be, gave me this masive heart and all it does is get me fucked over and hurt. WHY do I have it??? Why can't I go back to being the wonderful bitch that I was ???? why do I care now after years of abuse why should I care? Im so tired of it all.

I'm having such a down day and there's no one I can talk to...no one I can just say I need you, please come...how fcjking sad is that he?

and of course I'm pining after someone that doesnt give a fuck about me anymore...I'm crazy about someone that is prolly in a realtionship with someone else and I liev in a country that I have no friends in anymore!!!!

and I ask myself...WHY am I still here? WHY am I STILL trying to live????
.....cos someone needs me even tho they don't realise it and I get nothing from it, only the knowledge that they're not in a home and are leading a normal life and are happy even tho I'm not.

I don't have the courage anymore...and I made a promise to myself the last time....never again...and I NEVER break a promise.

I guess I'm just not worth it really, maybe I just don't deserve anything more than what I have? who knows. I know what I know and what I believe....so why is life arguing with me????

I'm just weak I guess..................Imiss my balls........I miss having them so much.

Health kick

Well, it's been 3 days now that I've gone tothe gym!!! I have to say that I'm very impressed with myself. I joined in the beginning of April and only went ONCE!!!!!! The whole point of joining was so that I could get away from Marie every day for an hour or so and release some tension. Well, now that I've started, I'm well into it. I really didn't want to go today as I felt a little bit achey, but I thought NO, a nice gentle swim will ease my muscles and I'm still working on my stamina :-D It's also serving the purpose that it's starting to actually help me sleep!!! After nearly 2 years of insomnia it is a much welcome relief I can tell you.

Mam is doing ok, she started the stronger dose of meds last night, so we shall wait for more improvement. She's still a bit odd and re-arranging everything and changing her mind every other minute but sure what to do about that eh???

Woke up to beautiful beautiful dreams about my DJ...I Soooooooooooooooooo have to do something about that or I'll go mad. He's not on for another 2 weeks so the countdown has begun......10 more days to go. I'm hoping that he will come in on Monday night for a drink in passing, but I dunno, he's only done that once and I just spent the night trying NOT to stare at him like an escaped lunatic viewing a man for the first time!!! I have a feeling that he might come in, dunno why, I just do, but I won't get my hopes up, I so hate to be disappointed!!!! I have even decided on my "outfit" just in case he calls in as I have to be looking utterly fantastic at all times.....the poor man will learn I ordinarily look dreadful in his own good time. For now let him think I'm always fabulous darling he he he

I'm completely wrecked but in a nice way. Have to go and make mams dinner now and tomoro I ahve to go into town but I WON'T be bringing her with me!!! I've had enough of her loopy fits so I won't allow it to happen any more, better to be safe than sorry eh.

Kiss & Tell

Well, so far so good. It's been a great week with mam, she's in good form and shes definitely putting weight on. You can start to see it in her face. Good thing too as she looks like a damn Auchwitz victim she's so thin!!

I was working at the club as usual last night and my DJ was on again.......god I have it bad. It's weird sometimes I think that he just doesn't like me (as a person) then he's flirty and I'll catch him looking at me. Last night was odd, I wasn't in great form to start with so I wasn't really talkative. He obviously noticed, but for some reason I went out of my way not to talk to him...almost ignore him when I was talking to everyone else. Perhaps a subconcious action to see whether it bothered him or not? Well, he asked me a couple of times what was wrong and I didn't answer, then he says...."you just gonna be grumpy tonight?". I just blanked him. Rather rude I know. I think I was also in a mind that I felt as tho I would blurt out my undying love for him or something horrendous like that, so I said nothing at all. My mate Roisin, another Guard, was also working, so I told her to get me in good form and sure enough after half hour I was grand.

A wee while after that, he put on one of my favourite songs, it ALWAYS makes me jump around behind the bar. Anyway, I start hopping around and see him with this massive grin on his face watching me. It kinda said "I made her do that, I made her happy". Later on we were asking Mark not to play a certain song as it was shite. I said Mark babe, you and me, we KNOW it's a shite song, you're just in denial. Well....the look he gave me could have turned you to ice. You would have thought that I said I was going to kill him or something!!!! I wasn't rude, didn't say anything strange and I get this weird look??!!! So, I thought to myself, feck ya then and the horse ya rode in on and went back to ignoring him as that small thing had pissed me off. Rather childish I know but the man has my head wrecked, I don't know whehter I love him or hate him!!!!! We did last orders and started clearing up. He made a point (or so it seemed) to be standing just enough far back that I couldn't walk past him to get out from behind the bar, when usually he sees me coming and moves out of the way. So I just stood there, said nothing and waited for him to move. He says, oh sorry and moves out of the way to let me past, I go stomping off to collect glasses not even looking at him nad cursing his sexy ass. He packed up all his gear and pretty much disappeared. I went behind the bar, saw all his stuff was gone, looked up to see if he was there and he wasn't. My heart dropped! I thought BUGGER, you silly cow Lobster, you're not gonna see him for another 2 weeks now and it feels like we left on bad terms. 5 minutes later he walks back in, I see him, feel this huge sense of relief (I don't know why either) and he looks at me and just looks away again without smiling or anything, then leaves....doesn't say goodbye, see you in a couple of weeks.....Nothing!!!!!

Now I'm angry again......god I'm like a rollercoaster up and down in my moods!!!!! and the worst of it is, is that I STILL don't know for sure if he's seeing someone! What kinda dozy kipper am I eh? Why didn't I just call out to hima nd say seya next time or something???

One of the doormen, another Guard gave me a lift home. I get along really well with him and he is quite fanciable. Anyway............I ended up kissing him!! Tut tut. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to and I do like him, but I feel kinda sluttish. I'm not seeing anyone else and there's nothing to say I can't kiss people, but if I'm so loved up with Mark, then why the hell am I kissing someone else???? I'm obviously a rampant slut LMAO. Thing is, he wants to see me again, outside of work and a day later, although it was a good idea at the time, I'm thinking, but I don't......I just want my DJ :-( Lord almighty, what a mess I make eh?!!

I did find out what Guarda station my Dj works in tho...not that that helps much, but sure ya never know. I could just "happen" to be walking past as he's coming out. LOL. God now I'm a rampant slutty stalker ha ha.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the next 2 weeks fly by. Behold my heart, transfixed upon the huddles spears.

SMITTEN

God , I want him so bad now, dunno what it is. Just saw him when I walked down the stairs and that was it,
smitten kitten!!! I know he's going out with someone so I would never do anything, I know how it feels to find out your partner has been an unfaithful B*****d and it hurts so bad, so I won't.

But the damn man is flirting with me so what can I do but flirt back????? Can't stop thinking about the damn man. WHAT the hell is wrong with me??? I never fancy anyone when I find out they're taken already....it's like they die as far as I'm concerned...or at least stop existing in my life!! So why the hell am I still thinking about him????? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,bet he tastes too sweet as well :-D

Going to take Mam out for her birthday dinner now, she's really excited, so I'm happy. had to text my brother a few times tro TELL him to call mam to say happy birthday. Pisses me off.

Mmmmmmmmm, Mr. DJ......come play my tune :-D