Miserable

today has been shite, that's an understatement really. It's the first time in months that I've felt truely alone, miserable, depressed, sad, pathetic and maybe a little under appreciated. Ok. ALOT under appreciated.

Can't take all this shite with ma, can't take the fact that I have no life, can't take the fact that my so called family don't give a shit apart from the will and the money, can't stand the fact that I want to leave but can't cos I worry bout who will make sure mam takes her meds, who will pay the bills, who will make sure the dfoor is locked at night, who will look after the garbage, who will make sure that she eats every day, who will really care?????? God, who ever it might be, gave me this masive heart and all it does is get me fucked over and hurt. WHY do I have it??? Why can't I go back to being the wonderful bitch that I was ???? why do I care now after years of abuse why should I care? Im so tired of it all.

I'm having such a down day and there's no one I can talk to...no one I can just say I need you, please come...how fcjking sad is that he?

and of course I'm pining after someone that doesnt give a fuck about me anymore...I'm crazy about someone that is prolly in a realtionship with someone else and I liev in a country that I have no friends in anymore!!!!

and I ask myself...WHY am I still here? WHY am I STILL trying to live????
.....cos someone needs me even tho they don't realise it and I get nothing from it, only the knowledge that they're not in a home and are leading a normal life and are happy even tho I'm not.

I don't have the courage anymore...and I made a promise to myself the last time....never again...and I NEVER break a promise.

I guess I'm just not worth it really, maybe I just don't deserve anything more than what I have? who knows. I know what I know and what I believe....so why is life arguing with me????

I'm just weak I guess..................Imiss my balls........I miss having them so much.