True Colours

God, I don't know where to start ot begin.....I'm so enraged that I can't think straight. Do you ever get that feeling where you are so angry all you can do is cry???? Well, that's where I am right now and yet at the same time I am too tired to do even that.

Christ, why are people so petty minded and vindictive?

Uncle Eddie, the darling man, NOT, came over today to bring Mother for lunch. It started ok, he actually rang the bell, like a normal person does as a guest to someones home instead of just coming in as if it were his own as is his wont (sp?), but did not even say hello to me!!! I thought to myself...Hmmmmm....ok......you want to be like that as an 87 yr old man, go ahead, so I smiled broadly and said "HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOO, how loveleeee to see you, how are you?"; I was acknowledged with an imperceptible nod of the head (oh lucky me) and he continued looking at the wall. What a charming man eh?

I don't even have the energy to get out of me all that I need to, nor repeat all that he said and did this afternoon, I am that exhausted with it all. The long and short of it is that he stirred up more shit than a sow on an open mating call in a slurry farm. I have never come across such an insecure, obstinate, petty minded, immature and nasty little man in my life before, it truely amazes me the lengths he will go to to try and over-ride me. I tried sitting down with him and explaining that we should all be working together on this; that irrelevant of out differences the objective was to keep Mother happy and placated. How many times do I need to state the fact that she is literally losing her mind and ANYTHING other than what is in her daily routine upsets and confuses her? Why can he not see this???

They say (whom-ever they are??!!!) that ignorance is bliss....well, I'm quite sure that the term was born before dear Edward was dragged from the bottom of a termination barrell and given life. Does this sound revoltingly nasty??? yes I'm sure that it does....and this coming from a student of Buddhah even more so. I can choose to delete that comment but I won't..... such is the repugnance I feel for this human, although Karma may well reign down on me for it. I got my Brother to call the house in order to speak with him, and try to get thru to his pig-headed skull that he was exacerbating the situation. Of course....all to no avail!!! The silly man FINALLY admitted that it was all about the money and that he and "his" family just wanted their fair share and what was right. THANKFULLY, my brother recorded the conversation. How bad is that??? to HAVE to do something like that? To feel the need to do that?

I called the lawyer and finally said we need a restraining order. The man is causing too much undue stress to Mother and Tinkerbell and all this after day 2 when she is finally getting into good form!!!! Thank Buddhah, sweet Mother mary and all the Holy saints above, the solicitor is well aware of "Big Sister and Brother -in-law" and having met me and conversed with me on numerous occasions is more than happy with the fact that I am above board and on the line and there is no skuldudgery or financial interest on my part. And all this with the fact that he doesn't even know that I'm Buddhist!!!!!
Ok....Ok.....I'll come clean....I'm not as honest as I like to think................I have been deceitful..........I HAVE used Mothers money for my own gain..............I got a pedicure last week, $50 paid from her account !!! After 3 months looking after her receiving no salary but $200 from the government for being un-employed (ha ha-THIS is un-employment???) I wanted to "spoil" myself and you know what?????? I'm STILL feeling guilty about it. When I need ciggerettes or a bottle of wine I buy it from MY money and now suddenly Im the hungry whore ravaging the account.........ok so it's not that bad, but that's sure how I feel. Does that make me as bad as HIM?? I'm in a position of trust and have control of mums money and I do that???? I know it may be only $50...but to me it may as well be $5000. God....this is fucking me up so much.

Anyway.....that's my cross to bare and carry and hopefully pay back soon. Back to family matters..........

Un-fortunately I am now looking at a barring order........I really didn't want to go this route...I don't want mam not seeing her sister, but what can I do??? It's just me here...there's no-one else. My Brother is in the UK and there are no family members that I can trust and Mams friends have their own lives and family with their own problems and can only help out once every so often. (thank-god for them is all I can say as infrequent as it may be)

I wish I could put myself and mam in a bubble and just go away somewhere nice where people aren't mean or nasty, where people can see truth and integrity and are that way themselves............but silly me......that's just a dream! I never liked mam all that much, we never got on growing up, so this may seem so hypocritical; I can see that and understand that others may think that too, Iknow that I do. But how can I allow someone that tried their best to be a Mother to deteriorate and mentally degenerate in front of me???? It doesn't matter what she said and did to me growing up, all that matters is that she's ok right? That she has as much of a normal life as is possible and can hold onto her dignity and independance??????

Why am I made to feel like I'm the bad guy here? WHY do "I" feel bad???? The horrible man even made a comment as to it wasn't really 24/7 care I was giving her as I wasn't in the house on saturday afternoon from 11am til 4pm!!!!! Oh yes.......that's right.......I went to B&Q to buy plants for mam, then I went to the carpet shop to order the new carpet and pay for it, THEN I went to do the grocery shopping.....God strike me down and whip lash me as I was out for 5 hours doing shit for her and the house!!!! I really am a bad bad person aren't I? I left Mother alone in the house, doing her gardening with her lunch laid out and waiting for her to take off the lid, while I was gallavanting!!!!!!!! I must remember the next time I get some time off that that's what entails fun for me....ooooooooo, get a load of THAT shag pile.......ooooooo, sends shivers all over........look at the colour of that Lino he? It just gets me sooooooo hot, grrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrr mmmmmm CARRRRRRRRR PET, THIS is what life's all about !!! For fucks sake, I am so bloody well pissed off it's surreal!!!!!

ONE good thing to note tho.....Mam remembered to take her meds on her own this morning !!!! :-) :-) :-) I couldn't believe it, I was so happy AND before HE came along she was in good form again and chatting away with me. Please Please let this be the way of things to come...she may be acting like a 20 yr old that's had a bottle of Lambrussco, but who cares??? She's happy...she's having fun and bar this afternoon she hasn't called me a bitch for 2 days!!!!!!!

It took me a while to get her placated again.......what did I do??? I went up to my room, changed my clothes and put my hair up....walked back in the door and I was back to being that lovely girl that comes over!!! It sounds underhand, but it's not really.....what ever gets mam relaxed I will do as long as it doesnt involve lies or dishonesty (this is my problem.......agreeing with her when she thinks I'm one of the many people she thinks that I am) and if she's calm then I'm ok. I brought her down to the local Bistro for Dinner, She loves it there and they look after us so well. I completely forgot that she's on her meds and she had 2 glasses of wine so ended up being pissed, ok not so she couldn't walk, but she was wobbling....god I felt awful I had forgotten and had to call my brother and say "shit...I got mam pissed.....I forgot", he was fine tho and laughed, he could hear mam laughing in the background (or wobbling). At the end of the day, I'm the boss, I look after everything and see that she's ok and he doesn't forget to tell me he thinks I'm brilliant and I'm doing great etc etc, just sometimes.......well he's always my big brother so I look up to him....but sometimes....I just wish that we could swop places and it would be me married with a couple of kids, mortgage, debts, arguments all that shit that goes with daily married life............sometimes I feel that he has it so easy in comparison to me.....then I have to stop and check myself.

The budhisattva wants me to do this in this life, this is what I'm here to do, not just by choice but because I'm the only person that can, this isn't Karma, this is just what my wheel is turning for......We're all here to ease suffering and although it's just one person that I'm helping....I'm still easing the suffering of the world. The Buddha in me wants to be more than this......to be more than I am.......but that's just my human pride and I'm learning slowly that what I'm doing here and now with Mam is so much greater than anything I could ever have imagined myself to be doing. My teacher "Genyaku" (he's not officially my teacher nor I his student but I learn so much from him) tells me that I'm an inspiration to HIM...that amazes me.....I'm the selfish one, I'm the one that wants a new Gucci handbag or to be able to wake up and say "I'm going to go to the spa all day" and not "God, what am I going to do today to keep Marie in good form?". It humbles me so.

I've been thinking about Daan for the last couple of days.........I know that I'm going to have to see him soon and it terrifies me. At least with all this stuff with Mam my heart aches less for him...for us........
I wish it could have been different...I wish that he could forgive himself....I wish that I could tell him that I was wrong too.....I wish he could be honest.......More than anything I wish so much for my Bunny to come home.