I hate this life

Having a really really shitty day today. I've just had enough.
I'm sick of looking after Marie, I'm sick of pretending crap, I'm sick of having to be here all the time to make sure she takes her fucking pills, she pays her bills, she fucking breathes.
I AM SICK OF HER

Now that I finally ahve my bolt hole I am realising just how much I have no life and how much I need one.
I brought her into town today and the usual happened, she gets tired starts getting pissed off and has a go at me. I am NEVER going into town with her again unless there is another person with us. I just won't do it anymore. Well I blew it when we got back, I just looked at her and said "I've had enough of you, you're on your bloody OWN now, I'm SICK of looking out for you" and walked out and to my little studio. 1 hour later, who's knocking on my fucking door???? yup, Marie. So I let her in, make a cup of tea and she starts telling me about this other girl that was just in the house, but nothing about an argument or anything and she's delighted to see me and did I want to come up to the hosue for a glass of wine??...and sure I may as well stay the night too??!!

Today she tried to tell me that she took her pill....AGAIN.....swore to me blind she took it....except she can't as I have them in my room. She refused to take it as she already had so I had to resort to putting it in her food!!! I am fucking sick sick sick of it.

My brother hasn't called for god knows how long, I ve been callinghim, mailing him and texting him to call mam and have a chat to her just to say Hi. I've asked him over and over again to tell me when he's coming over or when can I send mam over to him and NOTHING from him. So what if he has a family to look after? Did I not have a life and a guaranteed full time job in Holland??? Have a house and all sorted??? So what's the difference eh? I know one thing for sure ....if the positions were changed over, there is NO WAY IN HELL he would be doing what I am....and that fucks me off. D'ont TELL me I'm doing a great job and that you appreciate it, fucking show me too. She's YOUR bloody Mother as well. You think you had it hard for 2 days when yoiu were over???? You dont know ANYTHING!!!! An yet you come over here and go leave notes and messages for the man in the rental property with YOUR name & NUMBER??? YOUR IN FUCING ENGLAND, does it STILL not enter your mind to leave my number? WHAT are you doing? NOTHING, I pay the bills, I make sure the meds are taken, I clean, I COOK , I tidy, arrange doctors appointments, I take her to them, I make sure that bank are looked after, I make sure the car is serviced, I make sure there are groceries in the house, I DO FUCKING EVERYTHING
and you can't even pick up the damn phone????

Go to hell, the lot of ya, have the money, the houses, have fucking everything including your lives, cos I want none of it.
I AM SICK of listening to her fecking drivel day after day after fecking day, the same shit OVER and OVER again. 10 minutes after saying something she says it again like it's a brand new revelation..........and its the same thing EVERY FUCKING DAY, the same words and the same comments, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!
I must be a fecking saint to have hung inthis long and no money, no thanks no anything??!!!

Every day, I re organise the cupboards, every day I spend an hour or more looking for her fecking handbag, EVERY DAY, I have to sit and listen to her shit. Every day, I find my things in different rooms or moved around. Every day I have to take all the rubbish out of the stinking fecking bins and re organise it into Re-cycling, glass, compost and general rubbish.

EVERY FUCKING DAY.

I'm suposed to be going on retreat on 15th May down in Den Bosch, for peace of mind and to find some tranquility. and yet, I haven't heard from Andy yet that he's coming over!!! I TOLD him over a month ago that I was going and he HAD to be here. Am I just so fucking dum and naieve that I just put up with this shit??? I CAN'T.