WEll now!!!!

Well now, I'm back...just like Jack & still trying to get my groove back like Stella....but sure that doesn't rhyme so Poo to that lol.
Been away for abit and just haven't had the energy to write least of all think, or Non-think.
well...just wanted to pop in and say that to myself and perhaps 2 other people that read this LMAO.
be back soon...lots to tell tho very fucking boring I'm sure it shall amuse none the less :-)
ni ni for now

Why

Why is it that when all seems lost and I'm so damn bloody miserable.....all Ican think of is you??? Like you're gonna be the damn shining knight in armour and come and rescue me. You couldn't do it then and I'm sure as hell that you can't do it now.

I don't need you...I never did......I just wish that I didn't want you still....so much.

No wonder I can't meet anyone properly, you're still there...dead but not gone.

Only the ones that hurt you can take the pain away right???

Just go away......leave me alone...get out of my head. I don't want to love you anymore.
I Don't want to miss you. I want a life...a real one.......I want someone that will give a shit about me...that won't screw around, that WILL give a fuck when I tell them I've miscarried not sit there saying nothing with their head in their hands. I DONT WANT TO LOVE YOU ANYMORE.

Meh.......

Today I'm feeling completely Blahhhhhh. No energy, no anything. Just wanna stay in bed and ignore the world. Been having a coule of crappy days with Mam and of course the fact that my gorgeous Garda is seeing Miss Plain Jane doesn't help my mood. I'm due to work tonight and am in no more the mood to do so than watching paint dry!!! But it's E80 which can't be sneezed at and I need every penny that I can get.

Feeling V and utterly alone. Thursday was wonderful as I was out with my Canadian friend whom is on hols here, then I worked Friday night which was great fun and I went out again (tho V late after mam went to bed) on Saturday and had fun....tho I really wasn't in the mood to go out. All it has emphasised is the fact that I have no life, and hjow lonely I am. It's never hard to meet people, but when you're mid thirties and single and don't know anyone to go out with nor able to get out that much it's near impossible. Even the odd occasion I have gone out, I'm terrified that I'll come home and mam will have burnt down the house or something will have happened to her and I wasn't there to look after her.

I've got to the stage that I'm just so worn out by it all that I'm not even bothering to try and do anything about the situation anymore. I can barely muster up the energy to keep on cooking, cleaning and all the hundred and one other things that I have to do. I just hate it.

I guess I'm just having a couple of really down days, I'll bounce back no doubt.
I'm just so so so tired of it all and feel so alone!

Devastated

Well....and so the story ends as Damian Rice would say. I feel broken hearted, dunno why I should really, He was never mine.
His girlfreiend came in tonight and was stuck to him like a leper with a bad smell!! She's cute, but not all that much really, kinda plain and didn't seem as tho she had that much of a personality! At least it looked that way as the girl hardly ever smiled!!!! BUT, as I said, she's kinda cute in a plain boring way. She does have a nice body I'll give her that much. So my Mr. DJ was very well behaved.......at least he didn't carry on the way he normally does....but still kept catching him looking at me :-D Could you blame him???

I KNOW he has a GF, hasn't stopped anything before but DON'T bloody bring her in....I like it the way it is when we're working .
I don't know how I feel....such a great overwhelming sadness has enveloped me...it shouldn't, I knew how things were.......I guess I just wanted to believe in a possibility...If I don't see I don't know. She definitely knew something was up..... a woman always does. He couldn't even say goodnight..she was just there all the time watching him pack up. If I meant nothing to him at all, he woulda said night like he normally does and have a chat right????

Anyway.......so it is. If anything is meant to happen it will. IF not...then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Smiling

Well, life is still shite with Marie, she's had a bad couple of days which in turn means that so have I. Strange that isn't it??!!!
In eider geval, I've missed the gym for 2 days and fell poopy for it, BUT I did go down to the golf range with my mate Darragh this evening. He's been trying to gt me to go down with him for almost a year now and for one reason or another I just haven't managed it. I can be so lazy at times. Anyway, I thought, if I don't leave the house I will kill my mother so I called Darragh to say"right, range this evening....do or die" nad off I went. Good Lord and all the holy saints above I was DREADFUL!!! I mean really bad...worse so than my very first lesson 3 years ago. I think the balls were fixed and made of feathery light material so they didn't travel far......that is of course when I managed to get my club to connect with the damn ball!!!! It was good fun tho and I'm glad I went. I shall be making a concerted effort to get to the range more often now.

After, we went for something to eat and I filled him in on all the goosy jossip of my lust for my lil ole Garda DJ. It turns out that his best mate is the sister of My Boss in the Garda club!!!! small small world eh hahahahaha. Anyway, he found MUCH amusement in the fact that I had turned into a love sick teenager who couldn't utter a single coherent intelligible sentence around aforementioned love interest. I on the other hand, don't find it so amusing. Having said that, I do find it very interesting that I'm liket his about this guy. I'm sure that nothing will come of it and I shall find something new to focus my attentions on, but 4 months is a long long time for me to like someone.

My friend Sandra is coming over from Canada as I write, she'll be landing in the morning and I'm going to hook up with her tomoro night :-D I can't wait as I haven't seen her for about 6 years.....maybe more!!!! Then it's friday and I'm busy all day and THEn, it'll be time to go to work and see my man :-D ;-D :-D I still haven't decided what to wear, like he cares LOL well...maybe he does. I just have to think I'm the Nike kid and just do it.

I do like him so.

Miserable

today has been shite, that's an understatement really. It's the first time in months that I've felt truely alone, miserable, depressed, sad, pathetic and maybe a little under appreciated. Ok. ALOT under appreciated.

Can't take all this shite with ma, can't take the fact that I have no life, can't take the fact that my so called family don't give a shit apart from the will and the money, can't stand the fact that I want to leave but can't cos I worry bout who will make sure mam takes her meds, who will pay the bills, who will make sure the dfoor is locked at night, who will look after the garbage, who will make sure that she eats every day, who will really care?????? God, who ever it might be, gave me this masive heart and all it does is get me fucked over and hurt. WHY do I have it??? Why can't I go back to being the wonderful bitch that I was ???? why do I care now after years of abuse why should I care? Im so tired of it all.

I'm having such a down day and there's no one I can talk to...no one I can just say I need you, please come...how fcjking sad is that he?

and of course I'm pining after someone that doesnt give a fuck about me anymore...I'm crazy about someone that is prolly in a realtionship with someone else and I liev in a country that I have no friends in anymore!!!!

and I ask myself...WHY am I still here? WHY am I STILL trying to live????
.....cos someone needs me even tho they don't realise it and I get nothing from it, only the knowledge that they're not in a home and are leading a normal life and are happy even tho I'm not.

I don't have the courage anymore...and I made a promise to myself the last time....never again...and I NEVER break a promise.

I guess I'm just not worth it really, maybe I just don't deserve anything more than what I have? who knows. I know what I know and what I believe....so why is life arguing with me????

I'm just weak I guess..................Imiss my balls........I miss having them so much.

Health kick

Well, it's been 3 days now that I've gone tothe gym!!! I have to say that I'm very impressed with myself. I joined in the beginning of April and only went ONCE!!!!!! The whole point of joining was so that I could get away from Marie every day for an hour or so and release some tension. Well, now that I've started, I'm well into it. I really didn't want to go today as I felt a little bit achey, but I thought NO, a nice gentle swim will ease my muscles and I'm still working on my stamina :-D It's also serving the purpose that it's starting to actually help me sleep!!! After nearly 2 years of insomnia it is a much welcome relief I can tell you.

Mam is doing ok, she started the stronger dose of meds last night, so we shall wait for more improvement. She's still a bit odd and re-arranging everything and changing her mind every other minute but sure what to do about that eh???

Woke up to beautiful beautiful dreams about my DJ...I Soooooooooooooooooo have to do something about that or I'll go mad. He's not on for another 2 weeks so the countdown has begun......10 more days to go. I'm hoping that he will come in on Monday night for a drink in passing, but I dunno, he's only done that once and I just spent the night trying NOT to stare at him like an escaped lunatic viewing a man for the first time!!! I have a feeling that he might come in, dunno why, I just do, but I won't get my hopes up, I so hate to be disappointed!!!! I have even decided on my "outfit" just in case he calls in as I have to be looking utterly fantastic at all times.....the poor man will learn I ordinarily look dreadful in his own good time. For now let him think I'm always fabulous darling he he he

I'm completely wrecked but in a nice way. Have to go and make mams dinner now and tomoro I ahve to go into town but I WON'T be bringing her with me!!! I've had enough of her loopy fits so I won't allow it to happen any more, better to be safe than sorry eh.

Kiss & Tell

Well, so far so good. It's been a great week with mam, she's in good form and shes definitely putting weight on. You can start to see it in her face. Good thing too as she looks like a damn Auchwitz victim she's so thin!!

I was working at the club as usual last night and my DJ was on again.......god I have it bad. It's weird sometimes I think that he just doesn't like me (as a person) then he's flirty and I'll catch him looking at me. Last night was odd, I wasn't in great form to start with so I wasn't really talkative. He obviously noticed, but for some reason I went out of my way not to talk to him...almost ignore him when I was talking to everyone else. Perhaps a subconcious action to see whether it bothered him or not? Well, he asked me a couple of times what was wrong and I didn't answer, then he says...."you just gonna be grumpy tonight?". I just blanked him. Rather rude I know. I think I was also in a mind that I felt as tho I would blurt out my undying love for him or something horrendous like that, so I said nothing at all. My mate Roisin, another Guard, was also working, so I told her to get me in good form and sure enough after half hour I was grand.

A wee while after that, he put on one of my favourite songs, it ALWAYS makes me jump around behind the bar. Anyway, I start hopping around and see him with this massive grin on his face watching me. It kinda said "I made her do that, I made her happy". Later on we were asking Mark not to play a certain song as it was shite. I said Mark babe, you and me, we KNOW it's a shite song, you're just in denial. Well....the look he gave me could have turned you to ice. You would have thought that I said I was going to kill him or something!!!! I wasn't rude, didn't say anything strange and I get this weird look??!!! So, I thought to myself, feck ya then and the horse ya rode in on and went back to ignoring him as that small thing had pissed me off. Rather childish I know but the man has my head wrecked, I don't know whehter I love him or hate him!!!!! We did last orders and started clearing up. He made a point (or so it seemed) to be standing just enough far back that I couldn't walk past him to get out from behind the bar, when usually he sees me coming and moves out of the way. So I just stood there, said nothing and waited for him to move. He says, oh sorry and moves out of the way to let me past, I go stomping off to collect glasses not even looking at him nad cursing his sexy ass. He packed up all his gear and pretty much disappeared. I went behind the bar, saw all his stuff was gone, looked up to see if he was there and he wasn't. My heart dropped! I thought BUGGER, you silly cow Lobster, you're not gonna see him for another 2 weeks now and it feels like we left on bad terms. 5 minutes later he walks back in, I see him, feel this huge sense of relief (I don't know why either) and he looks at me and just looks away again without smiling or anything, then leaves....doesn't say goodbye, see you in a couple of weeks.....Nothing!!!!!

Now I'm angry again......god I'm like a rollercoaster up and down in my moods!!!!! and the worst of it is, is that I STILL don't know for sure if he's seeing someone! What kinda dozy kipper am I eh? Why didn't I just call out to hima nd say seya next time or something???

One of the doormen, another Guard gave me a lift home. I get along really well with him and he is quite fanciable. Anyway............I ended up kissing him!! Tut tut. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to and I do like him, but I feel kinda sluttish. I'm not seeing anyone else and there's nothing to say I can't kiss people, but if I'm so loved up with Mark, then why the hell am I kissing someone else???? I'm obviously a rampant slut LMAO. Thing is, he wants to see me again, outside of work and a day later, although it was a good idea at the time, I'm thinking, but I don't......I just want my DJ :-( Lord almighty, what a mess I make eh?!!

I did find out what Guarda station my Dj works in tho...not that that helps much, but sure ya never know. I could just "happen" to be walking past as he's coming out. LOL. God now I'm a rampant slutty stalker ha ha.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let the next 2 weeks fly by. Behold my heart, transfixed upon the huddles spears.

SMITTEN

God , I want him so bad now, dunno what it is. Just saw him when I walked down the stairs and that was it,
smitten kitten!!! I know he's going out with someone so I would never do anything, I know how it feels to find out your partner has been an unfaithful B*****d and it hurts so bad, so I won't.

But the damn man is flirting with me so what can I do but flirt back????? Can't stop thinking about the damn man. WHAT the hell is wrong with me??? I never fancy anyone when I find out they're taken already....it's like they die as far as I'm concerned...or at least stop existing in my life!! So why the hell am I still thinking about him????? mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm,bet he tastes too sweet as well :-D

Going to take Mam out for her birthday dinner now, she's really excited, so I'm happy. had to text my brother a few times tro TELL him to call mam to say happy birthday. Pisses me off.

Mmmmmmmmm, Mr. DJ......come play my tune :-D

I hate this life

Having a really really shitty day today. I've just had enough.
I'm sick of looking after Marie, I'm sick of pretending crap, I'm sick of having to be here all the time to make sure she takes her fucking pills, she pays her bills, she fucking breathes.
I AM SICK OF HER

Now that I finally ahve my bolt hole I am realising just how much I have no life and how much I need one.
I brought her into town today and the usual happened, she gets tired starts getting pissed off and has a go at me. I am NEVER going into town with her again unless there is another person with us. I just won't do it anymore. Well I blew it when we got back, I just looked at her and said "I've had enough of you, you're on your bloody OWN now, I'm SICK of looking out for you" and walked out and to my little studio. 1 hour later, who's knocking on my fucking door???? yup, Marie. So I let her in, make a cup of tea and she starts telling me about this other girl that was just in the house, but nothing about an argument or anything and she's delighted to see me and did I want to come up to the hosue for a glass of wine??...and sure I may as well stay the night too??!!

Today she tried to tell me that she took her pill....AGAIN.....swore to me blind she took it....except she can't as I have them in my room. She refused to take it as she already had so I had to resort to putting it in her food!!! I am fucking sick sick sick of it.

My brother hasn't called for god knows how long, I ve been callinghim, mailing him and texting him to call mam and have a chat to her just to say Hi. I've asked him over and over again to tell me when he's coming over or when can I send mam over to him and NOTHING from him. So what if he has a family to look after? Did I not have a life and a guaranteed full time job in Holland??? Have a house and all sorted??? So what's the difference eh? I know one thing for sure ....if the positions were changed over, there is NO WAY IN HELL he would be doing what I am....and that fucks me off. D'ont TELL me I'm doing a great job and that you appreciate it, fucking show me too. She's YOUR bloody Mother as well. You think you had it hard for 2 days when yoiu were over???? You dont know ANYTHING!!!! An yet you come over here and go leave notes and messages for the man in the rental property with YOUR name & NUMBER??? YOUR IN FUCING ENGLAND, does it STILL not enter your mind to leave my number? WHAT are you doing? NOTHING, I pay the bills, I make sure the meds are taken, I clean, I COOK , I tidy, arrange doctors appointments, I take her to them, I make sure that bank are looked after, I make sure the car is serviced, I make sure there are groceries in the house, I DO FUCKING EVERYTHING
and you can't even pick up the damn phone????

Go to hell, the lot of ya, have the money, the houses, have fucking everything including your lives, cos I want none of it.
I AM SICK of listening to her fecking drivel day after day after fecking day, the same shit OVER and OVER again. 10 minutes after saying something she says it again like it's a brand new revelation..........and its the same thing EVERY FUCKING DAY, the same words and the same comments, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!
I must be a fecking saint to have hung inthis long and no money, no thanks no anything??!!!

Every day, I re organise the cupboards, every day I spend an hour or more looking for her fecking handbag, EVERY DAY, I have to sit and listen to her shit. Every day, I find my things in different rooms or moved around. Every day I have to take all the rubbish out of the stinking fecking bins and re organise it into Re-cycling, glass, compost and general rubbish.

EVERY FUCKING DAY.

I'm suposed to be going on retreat on 15th May down in Den Bosch, for peace of mind and to find some tranquility. and yet, I haven't heard from Andy yet that he's coming over!!! I TOLD him over a month ago that I was going and he HAD to be here. Am I just so fucking dum and naieve that I just put up with this shit??? I CAN'T.

Bloody stupid Ex

Just had a conversation with my ex (not the ex im still in love with) but the new one, my first foray into dating again and I'm so bloody angry.
No. 1 I shouldn't have started off with another Dutch man after leaving one.
No. 2 I should bloody have known better.

What an arrogant asshole. We all have opinions sure, they're good to have, but if you tell me something is fantastic and I don't agree, I'll say so. Why then Does the fucker keep telling me I'm wrong??? How the F does he know, he's not in my brain. All he does is state what HE thinks, what HE knows, BOLLIX BOLLIX BOLLIX

I dont give a damn what you think or ur opinion, THATS WHY I DUMPED YOU.
Piss off and leave me the fuck alone!!!

(going to meditate now for so much anger and swearing)

Another rainy day

Well,, it's raining again today but I'm feeling incredibly bright.

I got an invite from a friend of mine to join a new forum and so have found a new place to chat with like minded people. I used to belong to a depression website that I got so much love and support from and met the most wonderful people on. It kept me going for a long time and stopped me on many occasion from ending it all in a world I felt was useless and didn't need me. Thankfully, I'm still here because of so many people on that site. These days, the site is extremely busy and has far too much of an almost communist dictatorship to it where everything is watched, edited or deleted, including members. It's a great thing that so many people have found it but it lost it's friendliness to me. Now, I've got this new place to go to and chat :-D Thank you ((((((Nouse)))))

I have to say that I'm not as depressed as I once was, but this takes alot of effort and I try each day to go easy on myself. I still have some extremely low days but for the most part since I have re-started meditating and getting back into my rituals life is so much better for me. Also, I don't really have the time to be too depressed as I have to care for Mother and I'm no use to her when I can't even help myself. I think that depression will always be a part of my life, but now I know how to handle it better. I know now to stay away from certain people and things that influence my life and my spirit badly. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than have numerous friends or a boyfriend just for the wrong ones. Amazingly I am blessed with so many special people in my life

GreaT DAY

Well..................it's been a great day.................mam is in good form still........I'm the same person AGAIN today, we've had good craic and a few laughs. It's been good.

Been thinking about Mark all day and I'm thinking to myself, damn, why didn't I just find out for myself whether he was single or not, instead of relying on somebody else. I can't get the fecker out of my head!!!! I wish that I could say it's all lustful thoughts and dirty imaginings of what could be or not but un-fortunately it's more along the lines of him just saying " no Lobster, I AM single and all urs if you want", or something along those romanticised child like ideas.

I got the keys for my little studio today and after going shopping for a hundres and one cleaning products (I'm a bit Monica-ish), I came back and brought Mam down to show her. It's about a 5 minute walk from our (mams) house and strangely enough, is only 2 or 3 doors down from her old Aunt Lallys house (RIP) so hopefully she will remember where I am. Having said that I'm still going to be here all the time, but I was genuinely soooooooo excited to be putting some of my things in there to make it my own. It's like a secret little hide-away He He He. But now, more than anything else, I ahve somewhere to call my own and go to for an hour or so when things get tough :-D

I made a decision today........even tho I MAY be an Eejit for it......but I decided that I'm definitely going into work on friday (I'm not working) and scoping Mark out and finding out for myself if he is or isn't available. There's nothing worse than living in the what if's or what could have been'. I nearly died last year, through health reasons and also self infliction and the one thing I have learnt is that we all have such a short space of time here and so many things happen each and every day that we really shouldn't waste any time that we do have on mulling over things or being self defeatist or lethargic. Sure; it's bloody hard to pull your finger out and DO something or SAY something. But think about it. Just for one second. All the things going round and round in our heads that could just be done away with if only we had the courage and the self-belief to just go for it and do it. I always say "be the Nike kid"....just DO IT!!! Well since I have been blessed and graced with the luck that I'm bloody useless at trying to top myself and given yet another chance at life, I'm trying (believe me...really I am) to just take the bull by the horns and ride it. Cos you know what I say??? If you don't ask you don't know and even if it's not the answer that you may want to hear....at least it's an answer and you can move on and up. No matter how much it hurts, the truth is always better and it shall set you free....or some such bollox LMAO

I'm a happy camper today. I have my own home, I have money coming in and can pay my bills, I've got bread and butter on the table, I have people that love me and I love back, mam seems to be stable and more than anything happy each day and I also have the knowledge that one day....maybe......just maybe.....I might find someone as mad ass crazy as me and honest, that has integrity, that will say, " Lobster UR the one for me".

In the meantime there is Mark and the possibilty of maybe????!!

Confused but happy

Well, I'm just back in from work and what a GREAT night it was. A fantastic night in fact :-D

Super super busy and lots of totty to look at, tho how I managed to find the time I'll never know and truth be told I'm sure that there were quite a few that I missed as I was so busy!!! Damn and blast! Though saying this is funny as right now there is really only one person (ok....2) that I'm interested in. Our DJ!!!!!! Ya, ya, I know, never go with a DJ, a bouncer or a barman. The fact that he's a guard, shouldn't really make a difference at all....but it does. He only works every other 2 weeks so I haven't seen him for 2 weeks on my usual Monday nights and I've just been thinking about him constantly. I was sooooooo looking forward to seeing him and had actually plucked up the nerve to ask him out tonight!!!!

Well.......turns out that he's in a "long term relationship", or at least that's what my boss told me. It didn't surprise me at all, someone like that couldn't possibly be single. It's not like he's George Cloony, but he is damn attractive. What makes him so, is not the way that he looks (tho it helps and being 6'3'' is perfection for me-I hate short men) but more so his manner. He's one of these people that watch first and then come to a decision or judgement as such about somebody. I've been working with him for months now and we only started chatting recently.........then again....I am fecking nuts so that MIGHT have something to do with it :-D

Anyhoooooo, I actually made an effort tonight and dressed real nice and did my super sexy make-up, all in preparation of asking the man out. He noticed alright, he couldn't really help not.....I'm a jeans and T gal, and tonight was skirt, kinky boots and a tight top...plus of course the fabulous make-up darling !!! LMAO Sexy not slutty was the overall effect. I walked in...took my coat off....went to serve a customer, saw him looking out the corner of my eye and caught him at it. This just carried on for the whole night, I'd catch him looking and he'd hold my look for a second then look away....under the pretense of doing DJ like things LOL When he caught me looking at him, I was just blatent and stared back with a wanton gleam in my eye. In my imagination or otherwise, there was definitely flirting going on.....at the end of the night, he normally just buggers off home.....tonight he stayed on...had a coffee......chatted with the regulars that we give after hour drinks to....SO not his style at all. When he was leaving, he says to us all...."night all...(looks at me) see you on friday night" Well.......to say I flip-flopped is an understatement! You know how it is when you like someone, you try and act all nonchalant, super cool and couldn't care less, the the person says or does something and you turn into a 12 year old with a crush????? Ja...that was me.

What I'm not sure of is......if he is seeing someone....then he shouldn't be flirting so....and if he, is then that's the kind of man i DON'T want to be with, also, my boss, whom I had asked to find out for me if he was single or not, kinda wouldn't mind rolling me round the hay barn himself!!! So I dunno. I was talking to my mate Ritchie and he asked me what was wrong so I said, "Well....I decided this week that I was gonna take the bull by the horns and do something....and now I can't cos there's no point". He said to me "Lobster, no-one knows what someone's answer will be until you ask". Now...... I wasn't going to tell him what I was going to ask, nor whom I was lusting after, but I think that he got the general point. It was fairly obvious after tonight that I really like the guy and he, as I said never EVER hangs around after work. He's normally well gone before even half the glasses have been washed or the punters have left......So I have to wonder.

Perhaps I should just ask him outright and feck the answer.......I mean I can only take my bosses word for it that he's not single. I don't know that for a fact right? And if I ask him out and he says no cos he's seeing someone? Well, at least I'll really know then....and in true Lobster style I shall wink cheekily at the sexy fecker and say.....If you don't ask, you don't get.....and walk away nonchalantly.....LMAO.

There's just something about him, it's his demeanor...the fact that he doesn't say all that much, the simple fact that he hasn't tried to ride me as most men do......just makes me want to really get to know him more. There's something I'm really drawn to about him, I don't know what it is. Anyone that can make me stop thinking about Daan must be special right? God, I'm such a fuck wit sometimes. I've been mulling this over for months now and just can't get this silly man out of my head! Even when I had started dating someone back in February, I was thinking about him and whether or not I should ask him out and even was dreaming about him....I still am!!!! That guy I was seeing has long been since dumped....Good lord...what an absolute BORE......one of those know it alls...you could be a brain surgeon and he would tell you that you're not doing it right, he has an opinion on EVERYTHING!!!!!!! I think I did pretty well to have hung in for 6 weeks with him...never mind the bad Noodles and other things!! Bad bad Lobster....one should never speak ill of the.........

Well, I shall go to my bed and no doubt think about the lovely Mark. YUM YUM YUM.
Fingers crossed he IS single and my boss was just trying to deter me!

My own home :-)

Not a bad day today, barring the weather of course.
I paid the remainder of my deposit on my new studio today. I'm quite excited and will be signing my lease tomorrow and gtting the keys.
I will still be living with mam, but it's more tso that I have a bolt hole to go to and somewhere to stay a couple of nights each week just to get away and have some breathing space.

It's just a wee one room place with a separate bathroom, but it's spacious enough and has a large separate bathroom. More to the point it's somewhere that I can put all my things. I woke up this morning and opened my curtains only to see my clothes hung over the tree in the back garden!!!! Marie had decided that as she didn't know who they belonged to she would hang them in the garden!!!!! I have a bloody sign on the wardrobe saying "Lobsters clothes" do not remove and yet tinkerbell decides that they're not mine!!!! Good God almighty, is nothing safe????

Anyway, I'm a happy camper today and will be more so when I get my keys tomorrow. I'm off to get ready for work and chat up some yummy policemen Hee hee hee.

Daniel

Daniel, when I first saw you
I knew that you had a flame in your heart
And under under wild blue skies
Marble movie skies
I found a home in your eyes
We'll never be apart

And when the fires came
The smell of cinders and rain
Perfumed almost everything
We laughed and laughed and laughed
And in the cold and blue car
You took me to the darkest place you knew
And set fire to my heart

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

But in a goodbye bed
With my arms around your neck
Into our mouths the tears crept
Just kids in the eye of the storm
And as my head spun round
My dreams pulled me from the ground
Forever to search for the flame
For home again
For home again

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

When I run in the dark
Daniel
To a place that's vast
Under a sheet of rain in my heart
Daniel
I dream of home

And so.

Running deep within this spread, I lay within so close and still.
My heart, beating still without ripples on the softest pond as downy dew seems so sweet;
So I, remain un touched and further still, mountains climb before my quaking soul
beneath my feet , the blades tear my pain bleeding softly into nothing.

Has ever a word spoken softly meant so little than I remain un-seen.
Un heard.
A whisper amongst the branches of right and wrong, boughs breaking to remain strong within the wind that burns me still.
and yet

I remain.

Goldfish

I've been sitting here for an hour writing todays post and getting no-where 'cos it's so all over the place it resembles the spaghetti junction and is barely making sense to even me and I supposedly know what I'm talking about as its me!!!! So I shall leave what I've written until tomoro when perhaps (large perhaps) I shall be more focused.

Today tho I bought 2 goldfish!!! I had 3 last year, aptly named Breakfast, lunch and dinner and the poor bastards died. I never quite managed to find out why but I fear the vision of Badger learing in on them everyday had something to do with it!!! Anyway, I named these 2 Marie & Eugene. Marie after my mother....it sounds terrible but I'm sure that she will think it's rather cute and Eugene after my driving instructor whom was less than the full picnic today due to an all night poker game and a 3 hour drive back from Galway with no sleep only to teach poor feckers like me!!!

Badger was delighted with herself as soon as she saw me taking the fish tank down from the cupboard and proceeded to purr like a steam engine running on honey while winding herself around my legs. Now.......while I went to fill the tank and treat the water, Marie and Eugene sat in their little plastic bubble hapily waiting. This bubble, I have to say was sitting in a brown paper bag and they couldn't even see daylight yet. Do you think that Badger didn't realise that something (namely dinner) was in the room somewhere???? Not a chance!!! I came back in to find the poor lil things terrified and gasping for breath after Badger had tried to eat them though the Brown paperbag and the plastic bag, piercing it and therefore draining their life supply. Her face when I walked in...I swear it was the funniest thing....One paw caught in the plastic and the other hopping to try and get away, looking at me saying "Meow meow...MMeeeeowwww meeewwwwwww in other words..... "mummy I SWEAR I didn't touch them I just tripped and my paw caught".

I am happy to say that they are both ok and ensconced in their new watery home and Badger is watching them from my bed with one eye and the other on me to see if IM watching her watching them. LOL

Ahhhhhhhh, the simple things in life eh...they do make me smile :-D

un-plugged

Today's been a rather eventful day....not for reasons of madness and mayhem...more so in the emotional sense and nor is that in the over oestrogenised (?) Im gonna decapitate someone sense........more so of the spiritual sense.

I always think that as humans we feel that we need to have a reason for feeling a certain way it's not "normal" to just feel so. Im sad because........I'm happy because......Im angry beacause........sometimes we just feel something for absolutely no reason what so ever and there's no explanation for it. Believe me I know what I'm talking about having suferred major depression and being suicidal for too long a period of time I can confirm that there can be reasons and also that sometimes there really is no explanation for something.

Today was like that, I woke up late at 11.30am (ok...I couldn't sleep till after 7am) and after having a good hearty breakfast of bacon & eggs & sausage & beans & liver & kidney & cornbread with a nice cup of freshly ground java coffee (beans rolled on the thighs of tibetan virgins) , I burst out into the world ready to go.

Hmmmmm, something smells funny about that....?????!!!!!!!! Ahhhhh yes I know.....bollix....before I even managed to drag my sorry ass outa d bed...the arm reached for a marlboro and the lungs sucked heartily on all the delicious nicotine and pollutants like an organ grinders monkey begging for pennies before even an eyelid had opened.......THEN I feebly managed to make a cuppa tea before going back to bed again.

Fuck I've no idea where I'm going with this. My head is everywhere and I'm talking drivle.......but I started this blog for a reason and that was to get shit off my chest and only 1 person reads it anyway and they're biased (kinda) so it doesn't matter what crap I write really.

Hmmmmm....oh yes........after waking up my lungs the body followed.....I had another "lesson" with my driving instructor. Now, I've been driving since the age of 12 when I learnt to drive on a tractor but having been outa the saddle for a bit I had decided to get a couple of lessons to get me used to it again before destoying Mothers car. Now I think I'm deliberately driving badly

Sleepy day

Well, I'm wrecked....too tired to bloody write, but write I shall.

I woke up at about 10am and promtly turned over and went back to sleep, tho Badger wasn't too happy I rolled over onto her and emitted and loud MEEEEOOOOOOWWWW OFF, 5 seconds later I was back in the land of Nod. I eventually surfaced at around Midday and mam hadn't called in once and just left me to my sleep! How wonderful.

The sun was shining, birds were singing, the bees were buzzing and Mam was in great form. We have spent the day in the garden weeding and clearing up and it has been rather fabulous I have to say. I made dinner and we had a nice glass of wine in the conservatory then moved inside about 7pm or so for some TV before mam went off to bed at 9pm.

An extremely boring day.........may there be many more like this. I do have other news but I'm a tad tired and shall update tomoro me thinks, right now I need to get this wonderful advertisement for cellulite to bed :-D

Viva Aricept!!!!!

Thanks

I feel so blessed sometimes..........and sometimes I feel that it's kinda sad........WHY???

The people that seem to give a shit about me the most are my online buddies, some of which I have never met......Ray, Angel, Ian, Paula, George...so many of you really........I think I'm alone and then I have you guys (& gals) you have no idea how special you all are to me and how much I need and appreciate all your thoughts, words, comments and ideas and love.

ENOUGH....I'm getting sentimental...........this isn't the Lobster I am...I'm a sea diving critter that pinches things that come close....I chop them off before they get near.......Grrrrrrrrr RRRAAARRRRRRRRRRR


(Are you afraid?????)

Nope....thought not........DAMN

True Colours

God, I don't know where to start ot begin.....I'm so enraged that I can't think straight. Do you ever get that feeling where you are so angry all you can do is cry???? Well, that's where I am right now and yet at the same time I am too tired to do even that.

Christ, why are people so petty minded and vindictive?

Uncle Eddie, the darling man, NOT, came over today to bring Mother for lunch. It started ok, he actually rang the bell, like a normal person does as a guest to someones home instead of just coming in as if it were his own as is his wont (sp?), but did not even say hello to me!!! I thought to myself...Hmmmmm....ok......you want to be like that as an 87 yr old man, go ahead, so I smiled broadly and said "HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOO, how loveleeee to see you, how are you?"; I was acknowledged with an imperceptible nod of the head (oh lucky me) and he continued looking at the wall. What a charming man eh?

I don't even have the energy to get out of me all that I need to, nor repeat all that he said and did this afternoon, I am that exhausted with it all. The long and short of it is that he stirred up more shit than a sow on an open mating call in a slurry farm. I have never come across such an insecure, obstinate, petty minded, immature and nasty little man in my life before, it truely amazes me the lengths he will go to to try and over-ride me. I tried sitting down with him and explaining that we should all be working together on this; that irrelevant of out differences the objective was to keep Mother happy and placated. How many times do I need to state the fact that she is literally losing her mind and ANYTHING other than what is in her daily routine upsets and confuses her? Why can he not see this???

They say (whom-ever they are??!!!) that ignorance is bliss....well, I'm quite sure that the term was born before dear Edward was dragged from the bottom of a termination barrell and given life. Does this sound revoltingly nasty??? yes I'm sure that it does....and this coming from a student of Buddhah even more so. I can choose to delete that comment but I won't..... such is the repugnance I feel for this human, although Karma may well reign down on me for it. I got my Brother to call the house in order to speak with him, and try to get thru to his pig-headed skull that he was exacerbating the situation. Of course....all to no avail!!! The silly man FINALLY admitted that it was all about the money and that he and "his" family just wanted their fair share and what was right. THANKFULLY, my brother recorded the conversation. How bad is that??? to HAVE to do something like that? To feel the need to do that?

I called the lawyer and finally said we need a restraining order. The man is causing too much undue stress to Mother and Tinkerbell and all this after day 2 when she is finally getting into good form!!!! Thank Buddhah, sweet Mother mary and all the Holy saints above, the solicitor is well aware of "Big Sister and Brother -in-law" and having met me and conversed with me on numerous occasions is more than happy with the fact that I am above board and on the line and there is no skuldudgery or financial interest on my part. And all this with the fact that he doesn't even know that I'm Buddhist!!!!!
Ok....Ok.....I'll come clean....I'm not as honest as I like to think................I have been deceitful..........I HAVE used Mothers money for my own gain..............I got a pedicure last week, $50 paid from her account !!! After 3 months looking after her receiving no salary but $200 from the government for being un-employed (ha ha-THIS is un-employment???) I wanted to "spoil" myself and you know what?????? I'm STILL feeling guilty about it. When I need ciggerettes or a bottle of wine I buy it from MY money and now suddenly Im the hungry whore ravaging the account.........ok so it's not that bad, but that's sure how I feel. Does that make me as bad as HIM?? I'm in a position of trust and have control of mums money and I do that???? I know it may be only $50...but to me it may as well be $5000. God....this is fucking me up so much.

Anyway.....that's my cross to bare and carry and hopefully pay back soon. Back to family matters..........

Un-fortunately I am now looking at a barring order........I really didn't want to go this route...I don't want mam not seeing her sister, but what can I do??? It's just me here...there's no-one else. My Brother is in the UK and there are no family members that I can trust and Mams friends have their own lives and family with their own problems and can only help out once every so often. (thank-god for them is all I can say as infrequent as it may be)

I wish I could put myself and mam in a bubble and just go away somewhere nice where people aren't mean or nasty, where people can see truth and integrity and are that way themselves............but silly me......that's just a dream! I never liked mam all that much, we never got on growing up, so this may seem so hypocritical; I can see that and understand that others may think that too, Iknow that I do. But how can I allow someone that tried their best to be a Mother to deteriorate and mentally degenerate in front of me???? It doesn't matter what she said and did to me growing up, all that matters is that she's ok right? That she has as much of a normal life as is possible and can hold onto her dignity and independance??????

Why am I made to feel like I'm the bad guy here? WHY do "I" feel bad???? The horrible man even made a comment as to it wasn't really 24/7 care I was giving her as I wasn't in the house on saturday afternoon from 11am til 4pm!!!!! Oh yes.......that's right.......I went to B&Q to buy plants for mam, then I went to the carpet shop to order the new carpet and pay for it, THEN I went to do the grocery shopping.....God strike me down and whip lash me as I was out for 5 hours doing shit for her and the house!!!! I really am a bad bad person aren't I? I left Mother alone in the house, doing her gardening with her lunch laid out and waiting for her to take off the lid, while I was gallavanting!!!!!!!! I must remember the next time I get some time off that that's what entails fun for me....ooooooooo, get a load of THAT shag pile.......ooooooo, sends shivers all over........look at the colour of that Lino he? It just gets me sooooooo hot, grrrrrr Rarrrrrrrrr mmmmmm CARRRRRRRRR PET, THIS is what life's all about !!! For fucks sake, I am so bloody well pissed off it's surreal!!!!!

ONE good thing to note tho.....Mam remembered to take her meds on her own this morning !!!! :-) :-) :-) I couldn't believe it, I was so happy AND before HE came along she was in good form again and chatting away with me. Please Please let this be the way of things to come...she may be acting like a 20 yr old that's had a bottle of Lambrussco, but who cares??? She's happy...she's having fun and bar this afternoon she hasn't called me a bitch for 2 days!!!!!!!

It took me a while to get her placated again.......what did I do??? I went up to my room, changed my clothes and put my hair up....walked back in the door and I was back to being that lovely girl that comes over!!! It sounds underhand, but it's not really.....what ever gets mam relaxed I will do as long as it doesnt involve lies or dishonesty (this is my problem.......agreeing with her when she thinks I'm one of the many people she thinks that I am) and if she's calm then I'm ok. I brought her down to the local Bistro for Dinner, She loves it there and they look after us so well. I completely forgot that she's on her meds and she had 2 glasses of wine so ended up being pissed, ok not so she couldn't walk, but she was wobbling....god I felt awful I had forgotten and had to call my brother and say "shit...I got mam pissed.....I forgot", he was fine tho and laughed, he could hear mam laughing in the background (or wobbling). At the end of the day, I'm the boss, I look after everything and see that she's ok and he doesn't forget to tell me he thinks I'm brilliant and I'm doing great etc etc, just sometimes.......well he's always my big brother so I look up to him....but sometimes....I just wish that we could swop places and it would be me married with a couple of kids, mortgage, debts, arguments all that shit that goes with daily married life............sometimes I feel that he has it so easy in comparison to me.....then I have to stop and check myself.

The budhisattva wants me to do this in this life, this is what I'm here to do, not just by choice but because I'm the only person that can, this isn't Karma, this is just what my wheel is turning for......We're all here to ease suffering and although it's just one person that I'm helping....I'm still easing the suffering of the world. The Buddha in me wants to be more than this......to be more than I am.......but that's just my human pride and I'm learning slowly that what I'm doing here and now with Mam is so much greater than anything I could ever have imagined myself to be doing. My teacher "Genyaku" (he's not officially my teacher nor I his student but I learn so much from him) tells me that I'm an inspiration to HIM...that amazes me.....I'm the selfish one, I'm the one that wants a new Gucci handbag or to be able to wake up and say "I'm going to go to the spa all day" and not "God, what am I going to do today to keep Marie in good form?". It humbles me so.

I've been thinking about Daan for the last couple of days.........I know that I'm going to have to see him soon and it terrifies me. At least with all this stuff with Mam my heart aches less for him...for us........
I wish it could have been different...I wish that he could forgive himself....I wish that I could tell him that I was wrong too.....I wish he could be honest.......More than anything I wish so much for my Bunny to come home.

Day of Rest

Well now, I'm delighted to report I have passed a surprisingly pleasant day!! No shouting or screaming, no ill words, nothing upsetting at all. I'm still wondering am I dreaming or not such is this a rare occurance?!!

Mother has been fine all day, I decided once settling her in the garden with a rake and some new plants, to leave her to her own devices and bugger off to terrorise the residents of Howth and all road users along the way. Yes, I've got behind the wheel again...and what fun I had. I have to say, considering the fact I can barely remember the last time I drove, I only stalled the car a couple of times but had no problem on hill starts. I should also say that I had a rather attractive passenger riding along with me, just to make sure I wasn't going to run anyone over that barely resembled my ex or my mother. Sadly there were no tall blonde lanky feckers to rev my engine at or skirt their heels with a puff of disgruntled exhaust fumes! I arrived in Howth, parked up nicely and hopped out for a nice walk along the pier. To say I was glad to be out and about is a slight understatement, I think I was more excited than a Pyromaniac in a fireworks factory to be around real people that would smile pleasantly and say hello. The sun was shining, I had good company, no Mother to worry about AND it was only 2pm!!!!!

My friend and I strolled along in no particular hurry and no particular direction talking about this and that with the ease of people that knew each other years as opposed to the 3 times we have met!! Now, don't be getting excited, there's nothing in it at all and I shan't be moving from my status of Oil rig Widow to happy Dater. I'm far too set in my ways to give any poor bastard a chance and rather used to being single. More than anything else I just don't have the time, never mind actually go out and meet people!! Good Lord, that would almost suggest that I had some kind of Life!!!!
We enjoyed the rest of the afternoon, strolled around the market (all home produce-bloody fantastic) with him at every opportunity asking me did I want a loaf of bread? some jam? maybe some cheese? how about some nice lemon sole then? I thought that this was rather sweet! He does make me laugh and I find his company so easy to be in and I'm strangely more than comfortable being around him.

Anyway, the afternoon came to an end, I drove home and back to the Fires of Hell and the Wrath of Marie-She whom must be placated, to find her still in good form!!!! Damn, those meds MUST be good, maybe I should try some. LOL. The rest of the evening went without incident, made dinner, chatted for a while, watched some TV and then to bed! I know this won't last,, but the innocent in me hopes for a few more days like this. It's been nearly 2 weeks that she has been solidly in foul form and I've been so near breaking point that today was like manna from heaven! Well I'm away to bed as well me thinks, I'm going to go to the gym tomoro and have a nice swim and sauna and perv at all the hot lil tightbodied chew toys running round all hot and sweaty. LOL

New Meds for Mam

I started mam on her new meds yesterday.."Aricept". It's not a miricle cure or anything but will hopefully delay the deterioration and slow things down a bit. The chances of it working are only 1 in 3 but I'm still hopeful. Even if it can stop her mood swings I'll be happy, I think that she's too far gone tho to make a real difference. That's the problem with Stage 2 Alzheimers, no-one knows how long it lasts, it all depends on the individual really. It can be anywhere from 6 months to 10 years, no-one knows. God, the idea of being here with her for another 10 years is not something I wish to think about. I already feel as tho I have "Sympathy" Alzheimers as I'm forgetting things and finding it hard to remember stuff......mind you I always was a bit dizzy anyway LOL.

This morning I awoke to Mam on the fone and gathered that it was to my "Lovely" Uncle Eddie......What a snake in the grass! Mother was asking him for Grandads fone number even tho grandad is dead over 40 years 1800-Heaven perhaps?? My uncle proceeded to give her her OWN telephone number, not even saying "Now, you know he's not around anymore, he passed away". Mother was saying "so, I can reach him on this number can I?" and obviously on his end he was saying yes!!! What is wrong with people??? Does he not even think about the consequences? Never mind the fact that she will be trying to call herself and constantly get an engaged tone furthering her belief that her father is still alive!!!!

This is the uncle (her brother-in-law, not a brother) that refuses to tell her I'm her daughter when she calls super stressed to ask about the strange woman in the house! Upon calling him last week to ask him nicely to re-iterate ALL THE TIME I am her daughter, his reply was " sure she doesn't know anything, I'll tell her whatever I like, it doesn't make a difference, she'll forget it anyway". After once again explaining the fact that he was undermining my position as her live in Full time Carer, confusing her more and also upsetting her, never mind the fact that I was her daughter, a grown adult whom has lived all over the world, as opposed to the misogyistic ignorant man that he is whom has never even left the country, I once again asked for his co-operation. NO. What a nasty piece of work he is. If he cares so much about Mam, then he would want to make sure her best interests are looked after right? well no, Darling Uncle Eddie is all about the money and what's in the Will. How sick is that? What is wrong with people today that instead of seeing a sick person that is clearly losing their mind, they think, AHA!!!, maybe I can influence her to change her will and get what I can for my own children.

I just don't understand people anymore. Why do we hurt each other the way we do? Why do we go out of our way sometimes to make peoples lives difficult? Is life not difficult enough already that we need more angst and stress?? Why can we not be more compassionate to each other? Help to ease each others suffering? Why do we try to keep ourselves in this little bubble of self preservation and desire, not letting people in, trying to protect ourselves from the big bad world? Instead of trying to get the things we want why don't we just WANT the things that we get? How much easier would that be? For all of us.

Another day in Paradise!!!!!

Well....lets see..........My very first Blog...set up with the help of darling FreeThinker...god bless my Cotton polyester wool mix socks for being so simple!!!!

Now that I'm here, I'm not sure what to be saying at all!!!

Quick synopsis; November '08 ; I had just started to set up my beautiful life in Holland and get myself together (or so I hoped) when a wee trip back to the Emerald Isle (to gather provisions & what not) proved to be the downfall of my much anticipated and yearned for dream!
I realised Mother that wasn't doing so well and seemed to be a little off. Now, she has always been eccentric and rather nutty but this seemed different. To say she was away with the fairies would be pulling the tail a wee bit too much, but all the same, there were elements of tinkerbell fluttering around in her wee little head. Todays date? no idea.......What year is it? No idea.......When she mentioned her Father calling over (RIP 40+ yrs) for tea, I knew something was definitely awry!! Long and short of it? Alzheimers!!!!! So I went back to Holland, re-packed my things and came back to Ireland to see what needed to be done....and here I am.........5 months fecking later looking after the silly bitch, with no life never mind the idea of a bit of "play".

Don't get me wrong...I CHOOSE to do so...but it doesn't mean that I have to like it! I would rather do the right thing and make sure that she's ok than leave her to ruminate with Tinkerbell and the ToothFairy!! never mind so called "family & friends".....THAT I shall leave for another day! And I have to say it's rather amusing to be 3 or 4 different people in the space of a few hours........am I starting to feel slightly schizophrenic??? Hmmmmmm, very debatable, I hardly know what I am from one day to the next never mind Mothers intervention!! It is also extremely sad really, how someones' mind can deteriorate so much that they don't even recognise their own daughter. If it's short term memory that goes, why then and how can 35 years not exist????? I just don't understand it.

I came home this afternoon, after a much anticipated coffee meeting with a friend was cancelled and completely messed up my day, to be asked was the "other girl" coming back to cook later??? After stating 5 or 6 times that "I" was the other girl from earlier, she then proceeded to lay into me as to why I wasn't at home in my own house with "my" Mother??? What am I to do eh? I can't fecking win at all. It's like trying to placate a grumpy 5 year old that found the booze locker and wants to sleep it off.

Right....enough for today me thinks.....I need to get out of the house and see real people. Maybe...just maybe.....I could even pass a pleasant exchange with someone that won't chew my head off or start screaming at me?!!! OR........I could just open a bottle of deliciously chilled Sauvignon Blanc, get some brie and van Meulen and some bird shite mustard (that's the one with all the seeds in it) lock my door and pretend I'm back in Holland and all is well ..........